Umbrella etiquette

Back to Japan.

These pictures are all from Tokyo, where it rains quite a bit, not unlike the Northwest. But NO ONE wears a raincoat (the Mister and i stuck out in ours.) They all use umbrellas. These umbrellas are available at pretty much every store along the street, the clear ones for as little as 300 yen (about 3 bucks.)

There is a complicated set of rules for umbrella usage. You should not take your wet umbrella into a building without putting a condom on it first.

There is an umbrella condom machine outside most large buildings. You just jam your umbrella in and yank it back out, fully encased.

Alternately, you can store your umbrella in one of these umbrella racks, where you put it into a slot and lock it in with the little numbered key.

It was also a windy day in Tokyo, as evidenced by this umbrella graveyard. One of many that we encountered that day. One advantage of a raincoat is that it doesn't turn inside out in the wind and become useless.

I have included this picture because ISN'T THIS JUST ABOUT THE CUTEST THING EVER?

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I spent half an hour on the phone with my mother yesterday, who scolded me a little for not calling her sooner after we got back from Japan. She was mollified when i told her that Em and i had turned around and flown to Ohio.

Not once during the half hour did she ask about either the trip to Japan or the one to Ohio.

Unbelievable.

A brief side trip

You will not be able to guess where i am at this moment. Frankly, i am not sure where i am either.

Having not been pwned (Em assures me that this is how it is spelled) enough by flying home from Japan, this morning i got up at o'fuck thirty and flew to Ohio with Em.

So yeah, i am in Ohio, three MORE hours east from Japan.

Em is checking out a college that she feels pretty sure she wants to attend.

We had to drive for about an hour after flying into Columbus. And what did Em and i notice about the drive? There must have been 50 road kills in the 25 miles we drove after getting off the highway, and two thirds of them were raccoons. I am not exaggerating, fifty!

How are there any raccoons left?

Does someone collect all the carcasses and make coats?

What kind of steak was that that i just ate for dinner?

Monkeys

We went to Arashiyama Monkey Jungle. Oh yes we did.

It cost about $5.00 to get in, and there are monkeys. What more could you ask?

We paid our money and we took our chances. You can't take any paper bags or food into Monkey Jungle because the monkeys (who are free to roam) will think it's food and get all up in your face. There are also instructions not to stare at the monkeys as they will interpret this as a sign of aggression.

We walked up a steep hill and after about 10 minutes....Look! Up there! A monkey! In a tree!

I feared that this might be the only monkey we would see, so i took a picture.

Here's a few questions about monkeys to keep you entertained on the long walk up the hill:
And here's the answer to the first question:
Got that?

In a few minutes we came upon many, many monkeys. Here's the Mister getting a shot of a monkey with his really big lens. This shows how close we were able to get to the monkeys.
This little guy was doing some sightseeing of his own:

Awwww, just awww:
While we were there, a man came out and gave a talk about the monkeys. I didn't understand a word he said, but it looks like the monkeys were very interested.
On the path on the way down, we encountered a different sort of primate playing:

Potty Talk

I am home. All went very well, thanks to the compulsive planning of the Mister. We had a wonderful time.

However, i am feeling about as bright as a 15 watt light bulb, as my body doesn't know what the hell is going on, time-wise. Plus i managed to catch a little cold the day before we left.

So today we are going to talk about Japanese toilets.

This is the B534S model. The first time i sat down upon it i screamed because the toilet seat was hot and i was not expecting that.


Here are the controls along the side:
The picture is pretty dark, but you can still see all the buttons. I love the little graphic of the butt. And yes, i tried all the buttons. Butt (heh) i still don't know what the "Stand By" button does. The toilet pictured above is from our hotel room. This one:
is in a public place. Thus the button with the musical note, which turns on and off a fake flushing noise. There is also a volume control for the flushing noise, in case you need more camouflage.

I KNOW! Brilliant! I apologize for the terrible photo, but i was worried about the other bathroom users calling the police because i was flashing photos and giggling.

Here your intrepid reporter from the east is standing over a "traditional" Japanese toilet:

It is flush (heh) with the ground and you crouch over it and hope for the best. That's why it's wet all around the toilet, because most women's best isn't very accurate.
Note that there is no toilet paper. I was prepared for this and so i carried a little pack of tissues in my purse.

In addition, many public toilets have no soap, no hot water and no way to dry your hands. Most women carry little tiny towels around with them for this purpose. (I used my jeans.)

Here is a sign directing you to the toilet:

Note that the only way to tell the difference between the male and the female is that the man has a V neck, and the female has a crew neck (at least i think that's right.) Em ended up using the men's room at least twice.
I will have more to tell you when i am more alert, and now that we have the toilets out of the way, we can move on to monkeys, deer, trains and umbrellas.

It's good to be home.

Anxiety and Meme from ETK

I have mentioned before that i am an anxious pre-traveler. I am running around like a chicken sans head getting ready to leave for Japan tomorrow morning and worrying about what i may have forgotten.

What if Grey Cat disappears like he did for 24 hours earlier in the week and i can't find his fuzzy ass to take to the cat boarder? I'm not letting him out tonight.

I went to the money place yesterday and got 430,000 yen. Sounds like a boat load of money doesn't it? It's about $4,300. Which is a boat load of money. All they had was 1000 yen notes, so i literally have a pile of money about 4 inches high. How will i fit that into my wallet?

I haven't had a period since January (TMI, i know.) But what if i get one in Japan. Should i take supplies or buy them there?

And so on.

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I was tagged by ETK over at I'm Just Sayin'.

She thought maybe i was too cool for memes. Baby, i am too cool for everything.

Here are the "rules";

List one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name or your mother's maiden name.
At the end of your blog post, tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (I am not too cool for memes, but i am waaaaaay too cool to tag anyone.)

As it happens, my middle name is really long. Sigh.


E - is for the Elephant that i will feel like in Japan.


L - is for Lugubrious. I am often ridiculously sad. For no reason. It's absurd. I want to slap myself just to give me something to be sad about. (Wow, i just heard my mother there.)


I - Irritating and Inert.


Z - Zounds! This will have to be for Zoo. In the 5th grade, my best friend and i made an elaborate plan to run away from home and live in the bird house at the Smithsonian Zoo in Washington DC. We plagiarized this brilliant idea from the brilliant book From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg. We saved up almost twenty dollars towards this goal, and then got bored and spent it all on candy and comic books.


A - Couldn't be anything other than Anxious right now.


B - Ha ha, what else could B be but BITCH? As in Bitch is the new black.


E - is for Edamame, which i love. I especially like the sensory experience of eating them. Popping those little beans out of the pod, licking the salt off my lips, tossing the shell into the discard bowl. Mmmmmm.


T - is for Turtle. I hope to take a trip to the Galapagos with my friend Kim next year and see some turtles. Plus some Blue Footed Boobies.


H - is for Hairy, but i plan to take care of this little problem post haste.

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I'm off tomorrow morning for almost two weeks. I am not taking my laptop (gasp) but the Mister will be taking his. Mayhap he will let me use it to check in with y'all.

Hacked Off

Way back when, like 6 years ago, when Em was into it, i had an account on Neopets.

I had a little virtual pet Aisha named Alavans. I liked to feed Alavans and buy books for her to read so she would be smart. I would feel badly when Alavans got hungry even though i knew it was only some bits and bytes fer cryin' out loud. Such is the power of guilt motherhood.

One day i was doing something or other on Neopets when i was asked to sign in in the middle of the activity. It asked me to sign in twice, which i did.

Then all the neocash in my neoaccount disappeared. I had been hacked! My husband and child both helpfully pointed out that i shouldn't have done that. I was so annoyed that i put Alavans up for adoption and closed my account.

Yesterday i tried to leave a comment for Gordo. I was signed into Google as me, but after i clicked to submit the comment, it wanted me to sign into my Google account again.

Sorry Gordo, the memory of Alavans haunts me still.

Customs

I've never seen anyone do this before.

We had a house guest last week. That was fine and dandy, but look how she scraped butter off the top of the stick every time she used it.

I hack pieces off the end of the stick when i get butter. I was secretly amazed while watching her, but i didn't say anything.

Of course i went and snuck pictures of it so i could show y'all.

I wonder if this is just a different way to use butter, one that i have been ignorant of all these years.

It's amazing how many different ways there are to do things, things i had never thought of there being more than one way to do.

She also took her bath towels and spread them all over the floor of the guest room to dry, rather than hanging them back up on the rack to dry.

How are you odd in ways i hadn't suspected?

Pecking order

I noticed something a few days ago. It was when i was with someone who i perceive as being higher on the pecking order than i am. She is a busy and important woman, on the boards of many charitable organizations, a former executive in a major corporation. Blah blah blah.

What i noticed is that when i listen to her, i am really just waiting for an opportunity to tell her a story about me, or my daughter. I want to tell her my story so she will know that i am important too.

Not very pretty is it?

This is am old habit with me, one about which i am not pleased.

Why should i care if she thinks i am important? If i allow myself to relax for a moment, i realize that i don't really care very much. So why am i acting this way?

Now that i have caught myself doing this, it will be easier for me to shut up and listen instead of trying to tell stories that i think will enhance my status in the herd.

Travel alert

I am, uh, going to Japan. In less that two weeks. For 11 days. With two teenaged girls and The Mister.

We will fly into Tokyo, stay there for 3 days, then travel to Kobe to drop the girls off for a 5 night home stay with their former Japanese exchange student's families, then travel to Kyoto with just The Mister, pick the girls back up, go back to Tokyo, and then fly home.

I am nervous. I do NOT speak Japanese, at all, other than Please, Thank You and You're Welcome.

Is it true that i won't need any kind of adaptor for my toothbrush charger? And my ipod charger? And my camera charger? These things are vital to my happiness, especially the toothbrush.

I have read that the three things i must NEVER do in Japan are:
1) Leave my shoes on when entering a home or temple.
2) Stick my chopsticks upright into my rice.
3) Blow my nose in public.

I wonder what they will make of a six foot woman with huge feet in their midst. I expect to feel like Godzilla tramping through the city.

Check-out line

Since i am a daily grocery shopper, i was in the grocery store today. As i was waiting in line i did what i cannot avoid, peruse the tabloids.

Three-headed baby born to alien love child of Elvis (or whatever.)
Britney blah blah blah (whatever.)
Angelina and Brad blah blah blah (yawn. whatever.)
Patrick Swayze's Brave Fight Against Cancer.

Huh?

I wonder, has anyone ever fought a cowardly fight against cancer? (I also wonder why he, who is older than i am, has a face that looks like plastic. But whatever.)

Are we automatically brave when we get cancer? Or any other horrible hideous fatal awful disease?

Does anyone just give up and lie on the front lawn and say "Take me, i am not fighting?"

(Because i just might. Depending on my age at the time of the news.)

Or does merely coping with what life gives us make us brave?

If it does, we are all brave. We cope with depression, diabetes, handicapped children, cancer, aging parents, PTSD, sexual assault, young children, autism, abandonment, alcoholism, anxiety, poverty, homelessness, neglect, custody fights, divorce... the list goes on.

No one gets out alive.

Just thinking about how brave i think y'all are.

Stuck

This morning as i was leaving my car in a parking lot, i heard some growling and yipping from a weed-infested corner of the lot. Of course i went over to investigate.

I found a small spotted dog backed against the fence by a larger dog. The larger dog had a doggie hard-on and the spotted dog was trying to protect her backside by keeping it towards the fence.

Knowing better than to insert myself into this disagreement, i clapped my hands and shouted. The larger dog ran past me and the spotted dog, sadly, disappeared through a hole in the fence. I wanted to collect her and save her from certain ruin, but she was too scared.

When i was about 9 years old, we had a female beagle who my mother had hopes of breeding. I have no idea why. Of course this means putting up with having a dog in heat dripping blood all over the house.

She chewed off her doggie maxi-pad. She tried to climb the chain link fence surrounding her dog area. I remember opening our front door and finding four doggie gentleman callers waiting around outside for a visit with our dog. It was an exciting time.

We weren't supposed to let her out without watching her during her first heat because she was too young to get knocked up. Plus my mom wanted to pay to get our dog laid by an expert. Oh, and probably by a purebred too.

Of course the one time that i went out with her, i didn't pay enough attention and the next thing i knew there was another dog stuck to her. Literally stuck. I know this because i tried to pull her away from Romeo. Alas, they were well and truly stuck, and Romeo took a snap at me for my troubles.

So i got in trouble. (Although my adult self wants to go back and slap my parents for expecting a 9 year old to protect a dog in heat from ravishment. )

Our dog ended up getting a doggie abortion and a hysterectomy post-haste, and that was the last of the dog breeding ambitions of my mom.

Book group update

Last night was my third book group meeting. We read a book by a local author. It was Some Things Are Unbreakable by Kate Willette. I highly recommend it. I even have a copy if one of you wants me to mail it to you.

When i say this book is local, i mean really, really local, as in one of the people mentioned in the book lives next door to me.

The library arranged to have the author present at our book group. How cool is that? It was interesting to meet her after reading this book about her family. Although she was comfortable in front of our little group, she seemed like a private person not quite sure what to do with the familiarity that her book engenders in the reader.

I just realized that i like what i call Real Life Medical Drama or Doctor Books. In the New York Times Magazine every week the first thing i read is the Diagnosis feature. In Discover Magazine (back when my parents loved me enough to buy me a subscription every year) i always turned first to the Vital Signs column.

Some favorite books:

My Own Country: A Doctor's Story by Abraham Verghese (i LOVE this book)
The Tennis Partner by Abraham Verghese
Complications: A Surgeon's Notes on an Imperfect Science by Atul Gawande
Sick Girl by Amy Silverstein (I somehow ended up with two copies of this one, if anyone wants one of them let me know.)
Not By Accident: Reconstructing a Careless Life by Samantha Dunn
Autobiography of a Face by Lucy Grealy
An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison
Just Checking by Emily Colas
The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman (Another favorite)

And stuff like that. Know any good books for me?

Get your own damn fan.

Here is a link to the website that sells the fans, in case you need one, and i think you do.

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The Mister's birthday was this past week. Around our house we refer not to a single day of celebration, but to "The Birthday, Day X," or "The Birthday Festival" in stentorian tones.

So tonight is The Birthday, Day 6. The Mister and i are heading off to downtown Seattle to spend a night of debauchery in a hotel down at the Market. We will be dining at a fancy restaurant and paying far too much for a bottle of wine and a meal.

It'll be great.

We are leaving Em home alone for the first time ever overnight. She declared that she was fine with that, and so am i. Hope the house is still standing when we return.

Cheers!

a fan, i haz one.

Somebody sent me this:

It's a USB port fan. I have been complaining recently about a natural phenomenon common to women of a certain age.

It was sent in secret, but i think i have been able to decode from clues the person who sent it to me. It has little led lights that activate when it is on into lovely little patterns.

I am in love with it. Here are some of the patterns:

I feel loved. Thank you Kim.

Tell me you are jealous.

Household tips*

*second in a rare but informative series.

(Plus a gratutious picture of my cat.)

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Today's tip: Do not microwave liver.
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I roasted a whole chicken last night (yes, with a lemon up its ass.) The chicken came with the usual disgusting extra bits.

I thought the cats might appreciate a little treat, so i put the liver into a little pyrex bowl and threw it into the microwave for 30 seconds.

Within 15 seconds, the liver EXPLODED. There is gore everywhere. The inside of my microwave looks like someone tried to dry off a poodle. There are grisly bits of flesh stuck, nay, cooked onto the walls. Maybe they can film Saw V in there.

Pate anyone?


Considering his role in the event, Grey Cat shows a lack of concern about "the microwave incident."

aye i eye I

I woke up this morning bleary-eyed and exhausted from another night of not enough sleep. This e-mail awaited me in my inbox, a comment from anonymous:

I think its really stupid on your blog how you use the lowercase "I". It is really pretentious and self absorbed. Who do you think you are? e.e. cummings?

Oh ha ha ha ha ha. *gasp* *snort* Seriously cracked me up. I scared the cats off the bed with my laughing.

This is a blog, of COURSE it's self-absorbed.

In case anyone cares, i started using the lowercase "i" when i was a pretentious, self-absorbed pre-teen with the logic that none of the other pronouns get the honor of capitalization, so why should i? I continue using it because; 1) my typing is slow, painful and full of errors, one less keystroke matters to this impatient person, and 2) it's a habit.

Thanks for the laugh anon, i needed that.

And just because bitch is the new black, who can spot the grammar error in anon's comment?

Overheard

I was waiting in front of the movie theater for Em. A white mini-van driven by a woman is stopped in front of the box office with the driver's door open so the woman can talk to a young man standing next to the car. I can clearly hear the woman, but not the young man.

"It's not that i don't like you, but my daughter is 15. It's ILLEGAL for you to date her!"

mumble mumble

"You are 20, she is 15. She's still in school. She needs to grow and learn."

mumble rumble

"You are ready to settle down and start a family, you should find someone your own age for that. She needs to stay in school."

I walk away to give them some privacy, although that was clearly for my comfort as they didn't seem to care.

A minute later the car door slams and the mini-van drives away.

It would be too much to hope for that he might listen to her.

I see Em walking up to the theater. We buy our tickets and go see a dumb romantic comedy together.

Eighteen forever

Everything is fine. i was just saving you all from a major bitch fest with that last post.

I will just say that there are a few teeny tiny design flaws with the female body. Those of you who believe in a supreme being, please address this oversight with your maker and get back to me when it's fixed.

Onward....


When the going gets tough, the tough do a meme.

This one is from WNG, i think.

I am to list six things that i think everyone should accomplish before they are 18. But i have, as is my nature, changed it into advice i would give to an 18 year old from my perspective of thousands of years later.

1.) Learn math. Don't give me that whiny-ass shit about how you are not good at math. That's what i used to say, and i was WRONG. I am good at math. Math is interesting, and useful and it will change the way you think forever. So get over yourself and get into it. Don't stop there either, get some basic chemistry and go on to calculus. I don't want to see your face again until you can do a line integral on a plane.

2.) There's no need to head straight for college after high school, despite what everyone tells you. Go out and get a crappy job for a few years and see how that works. It will motivate you more than anything else to be serious when/if you do go to college. This advice would have saved me the thousands of dollars that were wasted on my first college degree.

3.) Take the stairs. I want you off that elevator unless you are handicapped or it's more than 10 floors.

4.) Don't be mean to the people who are "beneath" you. (Minds out of the gutter people.) Oh how fast that situation can change, and they will remember.

5.) Embrace new technology, but not indiscriminately. Try that button. What does undo do? Be curious. It might cause a few sad situations, but you will learn much from it, grasshopper. This will make people think you are smart when you can answer random questions about Excel or the data base or your ipod or whatever. Conversely, you don't need every new gadget that comes along. Wait until all your friends have wasted their money and then decide if you must have _________.

6.) Listen with scepticism, including to advice, especially from older people. Although i have to say that most 18 year old people have this one down.

If you can't say anything nice.....

Three things.

Mish mash i was takin' a bath.

1) Thank you all for your warm thoughts for Em, and me. And thank you so much for going to visit Anne. Her situation makes me realize what a whiner i am.

2) I have been enjoying playing mommy the last few days. The house is a wreck, but so what? I have been keeping my chipmunk-cheeked Em company. Last night we had a mini John Cusack movie festival. We watched "Say Anything" (Best monologue about future prospects EVER) and "Grosse Pointe Blank" (one of the BEST movies ever.)

This morning Em thanked me by saying, "You've been taking really good care of me mommy."

It's an honor to be able to do this mommy thing one last time.

3) I spent a few hours at the Flower and Garden show. I am always on the lookout for cool things i can turn into Christmas ornaments.

Yep, it's a bat. Made out of recycled chrome. It's supposed to be something you hang on your fence or in a tree in your yard. But i had to get one for my Christmas tree, because the thought of a bat hanging in my Christmas tree makes me smile.

it's done

Em is fine. Bruised and swollen, but okay. She's so brave it brings tears to my eyes.

Capacious needs your love even more than i do, so go give her some. Please.

I'm sitting here looking at two prescriptions, one for antibiotics and one for pain relief.

Neither one is for me. They are for Em, who will be having oral surgery on Wednesday.

She has one tooth that is refusing to come down and that is holding up progress with her braces. So the doctor dude will cut (*shudder*) into her gums (*shudder*) and maybe through some bone (*shudder*) and attach a chain to the tooth (*shudder*) that the orthodontist will use to pull (*shudder*) the tooth down. Ick!

I am a dent-o-phobe. When i was little and my dad was in the military we had some barbaric dental care. What does one do when one graduates last in one's class in dental school? One joins the military. I can barely stand to have my teeth cleaned. It's all i can do not to slap the hygenist.

So who is the idiot that opened her mouth at the ortho dentist dude's office and asked if maybe Em should have her wisdom teeth out while she's under?

That would be me.

She is having the tooth chain thing AND all four of her wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. It's a good idea because....there's no room for them in her mouth....she's young and will heal fast....they haven't developed roots yet.....blah blah blah.

I can barely stand the idea of my baby in surgery. At the appointment Em says, "Mommy you are more nervous than i am." True.

So i will be on milkshake duty Wednesday.

I wonder if the doctor would prescribe pain killers for me.

Mystery

About ten years ago, when i was still working (god i love saying that!), i was called down to the front desk because some flowers had been delivered for me. There were three peach colored roses with some greenery and baby's breath in a little glass vase.

The flowers came with a card that said "I think you're cute!"

Awwwww. How sweet!

I immediately called The Mister at work, "Thank you for the flowers," i cooed. "They are so beautiful!"

"Huh?"

"You sent me flowers for no reason, i love that," i went on. "That's my favorite reason for flowers. Thank you!"

"Well, now i wish i had, but i didn't send you flowers."

"Oh."

**Awkward silence**


I called the florist to try and find out who the flowers were from, but they had been paid for in cash. I still don't know who sent them. I could never decide if it was creepy or fun that i had a secret admirer.

I was reminded of this when i read amusing's last post about the day of Valentine's.

Have you ever had or been a secret admirer. Did you secretly send me those roses about 10 years ago? Well, thank you, there were much enjoyed.

How odd

My daughter thinks i am a better person than i am.

In my view, this is unusual for a teenaged girl, mostly because i still think my mom is a worse person that she probably is.

Should i hope she never figures it out?
Or should i try to become that better person?

Sometimes it's a little windy up here on the pedestal. Maybe the fall will be slow.

Whatever you want

At one of my volunteer things, i recently came under the purview of a very nice young man. (It used to be another very nice young man, but the first young man went off to better things.)

I am basically filling in for this young man for a few hours every week so he can get some other things done. He is a real employee, i am a volunteer.

I keep trying to ask him how he would like things done, paperwork, filing, phone interviews etc. His answer is invariably a look of confusion and a "Whatever you want."

This makes me want to choke him. What i want is that he and i, and the other volunteer should all be doing things the same way, to avoid confusion. I don't have any ego need to do it any particluar way. I don't need to be coddled just because i am a volunteer. I want to be as useful as possible for the time i am there.

I was expressing my frustration to the other volunteer a few days ago, to find that she is feeling similar, but has an actual reason for it. He has never managed people before.

Well duh!

Now i get to think about how i can get him to be more clear. We used to call this managing up.

Thinking, One woman's story

Oh the Joys wrote this post about the process of making friends with members of the opposite sex.

Bob wrote this post about Oh, the Joys post.

I was trying to leave a comment on Bob's post, but i realized that my heart was speeding up and i was getting anxious. Because i have feelings about this.

I do.

This will be all jumbled up, i fear, but that's how my thoughts are running.

Both the Mister and i have friends of the opposite sex. (Of course, mine are gay, but whatever....)

But there does seem to be a process, a procedure that should be followed, at least in this house, for making those friends. At least for the Mister. Because he trusts me. And yes, that is a one way statement.

I trust him, up to a point. And if you would like to criticize me for that you can fuck off. Because i knew, in a heartbeat, when he would start talking about a new "friend" which ones were trouble, and which ones weren't.

And i was right. My mistake at the time was not saying anything, not voicing my knowledge that this person was not a good choice for a friend. I don't make that mistake any more.

The Mister is......suggestable. He wants to be admired and flirted with. Even if it humiliates me, and it has.

Ouch. That hurt.

And i married him. What does that say about me? All those many, 26 to be exact, years ago? I will say that The Mister has learned a few things over the years. One of which is how valuable i am to him, and one of which is that he needs to honor my feelings about people.

So it's not that he can't have friends of the opposite sex, he can and does. It's that i need to meet them and see what my spidey sense has to say.

So shoot me. This is what i need to do in order to be comfortable with these friends. This is part of the healing process.

Infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving.

Blanket coverage

I went to my first meeting of the book club i am checking out last night. Our book was The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.

It was all women with the exception of one elderly man, who didn't say a word the entire time. (Smart man, maybe.)

It was pretty fun. My observations were that a few of the people were more interested in talking than in listening. But that is true of almost any group.

I didn't have much to say until the end, when a few blanket statements were made, prefaced with the dreaded "They say that...." and "I read somewhere that...." Then of course on principal i have to present the other side. Because that's how i roll, and, as we all know:

ALL BLANKET STATEMENTS ARE WRONG!

Heh.

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I was standing in line yesterday at a Tullys getting a green tea and, yes, you know me, a cookie. The barista looks at me and says, "Do you, like, have on Satsuma from, you know, the Body Shop?" I did indeed.

I told you that shit was powerful!

Up in flames

Last time we were at the Mister's mom's house, we were all set to leave her condo and go out to lunch together.

"Oh no! I can't leave. The washing machine is running."

"Huh? What?" asks the Mister.

"I can't leave while the washing machine is running because it might catch on fire."


WTF? The dryer i can maybe understand, or maybe not. But the washing machine? I remembered this moment just this morning as i was leaving the house with the washing machine, the dryer, the dishwasher and the refrigerator all running. I hope the house is still there when i return. (I am at my volunteer gig. See how hard i am working?)

Expectations

I had a talk with myself before they showed up. I was going to be positive and i was not going to try and smooth the way for my dad, so that my mom wouldn't be nasty to him. I was just going to be cheerful and have a pleasant lunch.

Then, within 20 seconds of the doorbell ringing, i was pissed off. I see my dad out in the driveway while i greet my mother at the door. He's struggling to pull a large piece of lawn furniture out of the car.


"Oh, you gave this to us before you left for Colorado (19 years ago), and so i brought it back to you so you could use it."


It's a filthy, broken lawn chair. Great, just great.

Am i supposed to say "Thanks, now i have to take it to the dump instead of you?"

My annoyance was out of proportion to the act, i know. But this is not the first time, or even the tenth time she has unloaded some crap on me that i then have to deal with, under the guise of doing me a favor. I can do without these kinds of favors, thanks.

I did some deep breathing in the car on the way to lunch and looked for my sense of hunor. It took a few minutes, but find it i did.

Anyone want a filthy, broken, twenty year old lawn chair? Cheap?

Good eatin'

I am reading But Enough About Me by Jancee Dunn right now. It's lots of fluffy fun.

I was struck by this recipe she included about a typical meal her mother would make:

"Brown some hamburger, then open a can of cream of mushroom soup and dump it in. Then add a can of cheese soup (when it is thwapped into the skillet, it will retain a jiggly can shape); finally, pour in a can of water. Stir until gray and mildly lumpy. Serve over a pile of white bread that has been ripped into bite-sized chunks."

Ahhh, the stuff of my childhood. I can cause my mother to go into a fluster of defensiveness even now by reminding her that she used to regularly serve us instant mashed potatoes made from those freeze-dried flakes. Those flakes were also handy in case you needed to hang wallpaper.

Remember Kraft macaroni and cheese? With a color orange not found in nature? (A secret shame is that i still actually like that stuff. Please don't tell.)

More awful stuff we used to eat instead of food:

Hamburger Helper. A clever concoction of chemicals designed to make hamburger and noodles look like you cared.

Remember those diet fudge things with the unfortunate name of Ayds? I swear i am not making that up. They were awful, but i used to sneak them anyway.

Wonder Bread. It was cool because you could squish the soft bread into little pellets and fling them at your brother with a spoon.

Frozen bags of various vegetables from the Giant that were designed to be microwaved and served right from the bag.

Minute steaks. Big flat frozen patties of some substance that resembled meat separated by waxed paper squares. You would just peel one from the frozen pile and fry it on up without defrosting first.

Canned peas. Why were they such an odd color, and so mushy?

Oh oh, and those snow ball pastries! Big pink half domes that would never ever go bad. The downside was that they tasted like Comet.

I bet you have more.

Yuck

I cringe when i am watching a movie and two impossibly beautiful people wake up together after a night filled with unparalleled ecstasy, open their eyes to gaze lovingly at one another and start kissing.

Ewwww. Get up and brush your teeth first.

Does this make me a frigid bitch? Do you like a bacteria filled mouth breathing on you first thing? (I make that sound pretty sexy. )

Is it just me that finds this gross? Does anyone else even notice this?

Look!

I would say that my daughter is fairly oblivious to her surroundings as she moves through the world. (One reason it terrifies me to have her driving. Driving + Oblivion = BAD.)

I am an observer of the world, especially the natural world. Plus i like to share what i see. I have spent seventeen years pointing things out to her as we have been out and about.

"Look! A Butterfly!"
"Mmmm, smell this rosemary."
"See the new snow on those mountains."
"Those leaves are amazing!”
"It looks like the birds are having a convention on the lake."
"Can you hear all those frogs?"

And on and on and on, pretty much constantly. She always looks and says "Oooh, pretty," or somesuch, rather than, "Shut up about the damned flowers already."

Yesterday as we were driving (she was driving, i was clutching the arm rest) home, she said to me, "Oh, look at the mountains mommy."

YES!

Two things

I was tagged for this Two Things meme by WNG over at A Whole New G.

(two names you go by) Mommy and Meno

(two things you are wearing right now) Carhartt work pants and Satsuma fucking Body Butter

(two things you would want (or have) in a relationship) Trust and Humor.

(two of your favorite things to do) read outdoors sitting in the shade when it's hot and snorkel in warm water with many fish.

(two things you want very badly at the moment) Willpower and a cookie.

(two pets you had/have) Bucko Photon Uberkatt, Intrepid Space Wanderer and Intergalactic Soldier of Fortune and Boots.

(two people you think will fill this out) Patches and Liv.

(two things that you did last night) Cooked a meal and finished a book

(two things you ate today) Brown Rice Spicy Tuna Roll and a Coconut Chocolate Chip Cookie.

(two people you last talked to) my friend Matt and my daughter Em

(two things you're doing tomorrow) riding my bike and cooking something new. (Got a recipe for Spicy Garbanzo Bean Soup that sounds tasty. I will have to go to the store and buy something called 'fenugreek seeds.')

(two longest car rides) Oh hell, when we were kids my parents drove us across the entire country, more than once, for FUN.

(two favorite holidays) I swear that nothing comes to mind. I find most holidays annoying and resent the expectations they engender. Bah! Humbug!

(two favorite beverages) Merlot and Champagne.

(two people no longer alive who you'd like to talk to) My grandmother on my mother's side, i'd like to tell her off to her face for being a total bitch, and my grandmother on my dad's side, because i never got to really talk to her and she had an interesting life. For example, she lost one leg when she was 11 or so, running behind the ice truck, and she went on to marry twice, have twins, walk, play tennis, etc. I can remember sitting at her feet and knocking on her legs to see which one was real. She thought that was funny.

A typical night

10:00 pm: *Hoping i can stay awake until bedtime, 10:30.*

10:05: "Fuck it, i'm going to bed." *Turn on public radio station and listen to whatever.*

10:20: *Sleeping.*

1:30 am: *bolt awake. Turn radio on softly to the BBC so my little British friends can either bore or depress the hell out of me*

1:45: "Fuck it's hot!" *Push man away. Toss cats off bed. Throw all covers on top of man.*

1:50: *Wonder if spot on arm is sign of impending arm cancer/gangrene/scurvy.*

1:55: "I'm freezing!" *Pull covers up. Move over next to man.* "Here kitty kitty kitty."

2:05: *Wonder if odd noise in house is the cats or an intruder.*

2:15: "Fuck it's hot!" *Push man away, toss cats off bed, throw covers over man.*

2:20: "I'm cold!" *Pull covers up. Move over next to man.* "Here kitty kitty kitty. Where ARE those damn cats?"

Repeat until 4:45 or so. *Drift off to sleep and dream weird dreams until man's alarm goes off. Curse man. Curse world. Go back to sleep.*

Ooops!

This sign cracks me up.

Well, that didn't take long. About three weeks.

On Friday Em banged into another car whilst exiting a rather tight parking space because she turned her car too early. She got out, looked at the other car, didn't see any damage, so off she drove.

This happened at her school and since the kids have assigned spots, the girl who's car she crunched knew who did it and called Em.

Em then called me, in tears, asking, "am i going to get arrested?"

The thing is, the child is clueless about certain things. She truly did not notice the dent in the other car. When i got home, i looked at Em's car in the garage, walked into the house and said, "Let me guess, Heather's car is black."

"How did you know?" asked an amazed Em.



How indeed.

The other parents were cool. I called them up right away and made the arrangements. (This is one good thing about having Em at a yuppie private school, we know most of the other parents, and have known them for several years.)

One of you brilliant people needs to invent a padded parking space with sensors that kids can use to practice. Make it so.

Stinky and silly

This picture has nothing to do with anything. I just think the bird has a pretty tail and funny little black toenails.

Em gave me Satsuma Body Butter and Mango Body Scrub for Christmas. I smell like a fucking fruit salad.

I have a question for all you girly girls, what do i do with Body Scrub anyway? After body wash? Before body wash? Instead of body wash? Wash the dishes? Wash the cats?

**********************************************

I get frequent spam mail offering to enlarge my male part so that:

1) My girlfriend will not be ashamed
2) I can make my girlfriend scream
3) I will no longer be forced to slink around the dark edges of the locker room.

I know i am not alone in getting these messages, but this one really cracked me up:

"Promote your Love Private to a Love General." A spammer with a sense of pun.

That was fun

Met up with some fellow bloggers last night. Two out-of-towners, and two locals. (Although i guess one of the locals isn't REALLY a blogger as she posts with the infrequency of an ice age.)

I was mostly grateful to them because it got me away from the radio where i would have been subjected to blather about the New Hampshire primary all night. Not that i don't care, but ENOUGH!

Man, i really had a great time. These are some funny, funny people.

A major topic of conversation was one of our waitresses. Eventually we reached consensus, No way were those things real, no way! Of course, then we went on to discuss world peace and shit like that.

I took a few pictures, but they mostly turned out crappy. This is the most beautiful picture i took. (Note the high spoon count.)


At the end of the night, they all sweetly walked me to the bus stop and waited with me until the bus came.

In honor of the event, i would like to tell a penis story. And unlike Scott's, this one is true.

One of the carpenters who worked on our house when we had it remodeled was also part owner of a tattoo/piercing business. And he was a walking advertisment for his trade, as was his wife, a former stripper with a name similar to "Chesty."

He had a piercing on the tip of a body part. (I believe the piercing is called a "Prince Alb*rt." I could find out but i am not brave or foolish enough to google it.)

After a while he removed this piercing because it was causing some irritation issues for this body part. The ring must have been of a fairly large gauge, because it left a large gauge hole.

Now he has to put his finger over that hole when he pees, so that the pee doesn't dribble out the side.

Aren't body piercings sexy?

Time

A friend of mine had a hideous thing happen between her parents over Christmas. Her dad has a serious, terminal disease, the kind that takes your mind along with your body. He got all whacked out and tried to hurt/kill his wife. And he damn near succeeded. The rest of the details are not really for me to tell, i just wanted you to understand how sad and horrible this situation is.


At the end of my life, if i am sick, mentally or physically or both, i hope i will be able to wake up one day and say, before i am not capable of it anymore, "That's it. It's time." And that i will be strong enough to do it.

But i also secretly hope in my heart, although i would never admit it, that someone will love me so much that they will beg me not to go, that my mere presence is of such comfort to them that they want to hang on to it as long as possible, despite the burdens of caring for me.

I still hope i will be strong enough to do it.

Mommy, dearest

I was sitting in a movie theater a few weeks ago with The Mister, waiting for the movie to begin when i leaned over and asked The Mister if he had remembered to turn off his cell phone.

"Yes, did you?" was the slightly snippy-you-are-not-my-mother reply.

I thought about it and he has a point. It's become kind of a habit with me, what with raising a child for the past 17 years and all, to try and nag gently remind people of things i think they need.

This weekend The Mister and i decided to go for a walk. It was cold and windy outside. I thought about nagging gently reminding him to take a hat and some gloves. But then i stopped myself, because i am not his mother, right?

Then out on the walk, he got cold. And then he got grumpy. And that was no fun. To my credit, i didn't say anything about it, like "You should have brought your hat and gloves pinhead." Because he just might have taken offense to that. He's sensitive like that.

But i notice and think of these things. (This is just one in a long line of examples for both The Mister and Em.)

So should i remind them and risk annoyance, or should i just shut the hell up and let them, and sometimes me, deal with the consequences?

She really got me

My parents have pretty bad taste in wine. It's odd, because they have a nice wine cellar and spend some money on their wine, but YUCK! It's kind of a standing joke between the Mister and me and my siblings and siblings-in-law. We always try to arrange it so that the parents don't bring any wine to family events.

As an example, one year they gave the Mister and me, along with my brothers and their spouses, a half case of this wine from a winery called "Amity." This wine smelled like cow manure, i am not kidding. Even my SIL, who is a much nicer person that me, called the aroma "unfortunate." I actually threw it away, and that's saying something because it kills me to waste wine, even if it is swill. I wouldn't even cook with that shit.

Three years ago my parents gave each of us "kids" a case of wine. We happened to be having Christmas morning at our house that year, so my rat-fink sister-in-law (obviously NOT the nice one mentioned above) managed to leave her case behind. Hidden. In my closet. Under some towels. So it was not an accident, as she later tried to claim.

But i got her back. Her birthday is in late January. I wrapped up the case of wine and the Mister and i drove over to their house and left it on her doorstep, along with a syrupy birthday card, the "To a Dear Sister-in-Law" kind. Then we drove away really fast, in case we were spotted.

I got a mock outraged call from her later that day and we laughed and giggled and hooted. She told me how she had been all excited when she saw the box, until she opened it. She swore she would get me back.

Three years went by, i forgot all about it.

But she didn't.

This Christmas she had her son (i can't believe she involved an innocent 19 year old in her scurrilous plan) pretend to be interested in my car. And i fell for it; hook, line and sinker. Nobody is ever interested in my car, because the Mister always has a fancier one. So i took him out and showed him the car and let him sit in it and offered to let him drive.

And that little stinker watched where i put my keys and then went back outside and transferred that damned case of wine into the trunk of my car. I didn't find it until after we got home from San Diego.

So i called her up yesterday and told her just how much she sucks. And then we laughed and hooted and giggled.

But i am plotting revenge.