Incel

I learned a new word this week.  Incel.  It's an interwebs word for "Involuntary Celibacy".  

Yeah.  Look it up.

I have been referring  to myself as a Born Again Virgin.

I miss sex.  I know exactly the time i last had sex.  It was in Hawaii.  Over two years ago. It was good.  But, i guess, maybe only for me.  I didn't know at the time that it was the last time i would be having sex for a long time.

Two weeks later my not-yet-ex husband left me.  Two weeks without sex.  He was distant and uninterested.  I let it go because....tolerance.  But now i know why.

Yes, i suppose i could go out and get laid.  But i don't work that way.  I need to know a person in order to have sex with him.  (Yeah, sadly, i am heterosexual.)

Someday i hope to begin again.  Maybe sooner rather than later.

Etiquette Question

On Friday, i met Jackson for coffee.

What is the protocol for meeting with the man who is the ex-husband of the woman for whom your husband left you?  The woman who left him for your (now) ex-husband? Do you shake hands?  How does the conversation start?  Will the outcome be what we want? Is the meeting just an exercise in pricking open a barely healing wound?  Will there be copious bleeding?  Will i be sorry?  Will he be sorry?  Who THE FUCK knows?  Miss Manners never wrote about how to deal with this situation.

We talked for an hour and a half.  This is a man that i do not really know, but with whom i share an incredibly intimate experience.  I learned a lot about what happened.  Details of the extensive lying and cheating.  Things i had only suspected.  About how little regard either of the two cheaters had for past attachments, and for either of us.

I like knowing the truth, even if it hurts.

Meanwhile, my ex and Jackson's ex are off on their extensive, expensive honeymoon.  I wish them hell.

I'm glad i went.  And Jackson sent me a very nice email, thanking me for the meeting and saying that it had been helpful for him.  I will not likely see him again, but it's nice to know he's out there.

So much sadness and hurt because of two selfish, reckless people.

Unbelievable

Last Friday night, the night before my ex-husband got married to the woman he left me for, i went to a concert with a friend.  Before the concert, we went to the Wild Ginger in Seattle for dinner.  No reservations.  Friday night.  We ended up sandwiched in at the bar.

Normally i would never do such a thing, but because we were practically thigh to thigh, i said something to the people sitting next to us.  You know, something like, "That drink looks good, what's in it?"

We continued chatting sporadically through the meal.  They were going to the same concert.  I offered my opinion on the house Manhattan (delicious!).  At the end of the meal, we were presented with a bill, which my friend and i paid.  Then we were presented with a second bill.  WTF? Turns out that the bar dude, in all the confusion, had given us the bill of the people we had been chatting with.

Hilarity ensued. They "Thanked" us for paying their bill, since their bill was more expensive.   While the bill issue was being sorted out, I made a comment that i had wanted to go hiking that day, but it had been too rainy.  Then i said "I am hoping for a plague of locusts tomorrow because my ex-husband is getting married."  (I had had two of the house Manhattans (delicious!).)

The man looks and me and says "Meno?"  I gaped at him.  He says "I am (the ex-husband's soon to be new wife)'s ex-husband."

"Jackson?"  i say.  I hadn't recognized him.

OMG!

Of all the gin joints in all the towns......  What are the chances?

We talked some more after that, much more seriously,  and he gave me his contact information.

I don't believe in karma, or fate, but this might change my mind.

It will never happen

I want an apology.

I want you to apologize for lying to me, after promising several times that you would NEVER lie to me again, after being caught lying.

I want you to apologize for having sex with me, after having sex with someone else, such that i had to get tested for STDs.

I want you to apologize for that vacation in Hawaii, where you were lying the whole time, and planning your escape.  You retroactively ruined that vacation for both me and Em. where i had thought we had a good time.

I want you to apologize for lying to me, even when you were leaving.I don't want you to apologize for leaving, as i know you think you have found your Soul Mate, but for the way you left, making it easy for you, and the hardest for me.  You owed me more than that.

You are a coward.

Complete Misunderstanding

When I was much younger I used to be “hot” sexually speaking, tall, long hair, pretty face, thin.  I know that now, I didn’t know it then.  I am now too old to be “hot”. Which, as a natural product of time, is fine with me.

But, as a “hot”, but naïve young woman, people, men, used to yell at me on the street.  From “Hey baby!” to “Wanna fuck?”

I learned, quite quickly, to completely ignore these assaults (And I do mean assaults), pretending to be oblivious. 

Once, a friend of mine, a gay man who lived in the same apartment complex as me, and also worked with me, yelled at me on the street.  And I, not knowing that this was someone I knew who was being playful, ignored him.

When he caught up with me, he asked me why I was so “stuck up”.

Did he not understand that being yelled at on the street does not feel like a compliment? You would think he would have known better.

This was in the early 80s, does that make a difference?

Pity, party of one

*
 Grief is a lonely emotion.

Grief is burning out my insides and making room for something new to grow.


I feel like i have something to tell you, but i keep typing words and then deleting them as too pathetic.


I am lonesome.  I've never lived alone before.  I find i don't much like it. 


This process i am going through feels endless.  I am told that it will get better, but i don't know when.  And besides, how can anyone know if it will get better?

To be honest, i am better, some of the time.  Em was home for a month and left early yesterday morning and i am missing her.  So that's why i am blue.  But hey, the two of us are going to Hawaii in less than two months. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Bonding and waiting

.

My baby girl turned 21 a month ago.  It's been a time for bonding moments.  I bought her her first legal drink (it was a martini!), and today we had our first mother-daughter trip to the liquor store.

It was so beautiful.

*sniffle*

In other news:


I am waiting.  Waiting to feel a reduction in anxiety, waiting to feel free.  I realize it's a long process, but dammit all, i wish it would hurry.  So wanting to avoid writing the same old thing, i don't write at all.


I should be divorced by the end of January.  I just never saw myself as someone who would be divorced.  I know people who have has two and three (and sometimes more) spouses and i always felt (i hate to admit this, but i will) slightly superior.  And then fate came along to kick me right in my smug ass.

Peace to you all.

phone phool

Do you ever find yourself sounding like a dithering idiot on the phone?  I'm not an idiot, but man, today i sounded like one on the phone while trying to say "No, you can't come and be a volunteer here because we've got nothing for you to do." in a really nice, thank-you-for calling sort of way.

It's hard to say "No" in a positive way.  I guess i must think that the more words i use to say it, the nicer it will sound, thus the idiotic babbling.

Did you know that there's a support group for families of people who talk too much?  It's called On-and-on Anon.

Still Alive

Hi y'all.


I'm still alive.  I have one foot in hell and the other in purgatory, which counts as progress.


Still fighting anxiety and depression and loneliness and hurt feelings.  I think i'm winning though some days it's hard to tell.


Not divorced yet, but proceeding along that line.  So sad.  So, so sad.


Keeping very busy, that's my method for dealing with the feelings.  My therapist says i need to do more grieving and crying.  Perhaps. Perhaps.


What do i really have to tell you?  There's a long period of slowly moving onwards, slowly getting on with accepting the new normal.  My problem is that i just don't see how my loneliness will ever end.  Will anyone ever love me again?  Will i ever have another life partner?  I hope i do because i don't like being alone. The feeling that no one has my back makes me feel intensely vulnerable.  But what are the chances that a 54 year old woman will find true love?  Not high.


I really want to be able to look back over this time in my life and have it come out okay in the end.  I secretly want this story to have an uplifting ending.

A connection

 *
In my family, as kids, my brothers and i were encouraged to make fun of each other.  Ganging up on whomever was the current odd man out, whomever had done something stupid (as kids often do) or whomever was being ridiculous (as kids often are).

When it was me being ridiculed, i hated it, and it felt like there was no escape, no safe place to go and collect myself.  When it was not me, i participated gladly, thankful that it wasn't me.


The maddest i get as an adult is when i feel stupid.  That's when i lose my shit and start throwing things. 

At the time of this temper losing, i feel unable to stop, like i am under attack and have to defend myself.  My brain time travels back to that stupid-feeling child and becomes her again.


This is not an unimportant observation.

I want to have a tantrum

I hate to whine some more, but i'm going to do it anyway.


I don't want to do this anymore.  I am tired of being strong and making it through the day.  I want to lie on the floor and pound my fists and kick my feet and scream.  But of course, that will not change anything, other than to give me sore fists and feet and scare the cat.

I've lost my capacity for spending long periods of time alone.  It makes me anxious because it feels like maybe it will never end.  I wonder if i will get used to it eventually.  I hope so.  I find myself scrambling to find things to do with people.  It's not in my nature to call people up, but i am doing it.  I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

So instead of having a tantrum, i went hiking today with a friend.  We even went swimming in the mountain lake that was the hiking destination, much to the astonishment of our fellow hikers.

Now it is August

If i don't let anyone know how afraid i am, will that make it less true?


My start up friend, Cari, who i mentioned a few weeks ago when we went hiking, was diagnosed with cancer a few days after our hike. For the second time.  She has already started chemo and will be losing all her hair, again.  She's scared too.


Life moves on, without regard to our individual trials.


****************************************************


I just assisted Em in moving into an apartment for her senior year of college.  Can you imagine?  Now i am in a cheap hotel room (there is no other kind in this tiny town) watching re-runs on TV while i wait to fly home tomorrow.  It's both lonely and kind of nice.  I won't see her again until Thanksgiving.

I filed for divorce today.  Four months after he walked out the door.

I don't know what else to say. I'm having a bit of a weep over it.

Why did i have to do it, instead of him? you might ask.


Well, who knows when he would have gotten around to it.  I feel like i'm living in limbo, not knowing what he will do.  Not knowing if i'll have to fight with him or if he will do what he said he would.  I don't trust him.  Odd that. Not.


So i did it for me, so i can get started on this process so that it will end sooner rather than later.  But it sure is sad.  Tears seem appropriate.

i have red fingers

In all this world is there much better than a purloined evening raspberry, plucked from the vine and eaten while it still holds the day's warmth?

I think not.

Hit and Miss

I don't miss walking on egg shells.
I don't miss being taken as critical when i was not.
I don't miss the competition.
I don't miss the criticism.

I miss having a hand to hold at the movies.
I miss sex.  (Yes, i could probably arranged to get laid, but that's not my style, at least until i get a lot more desperate.  :))

Something i have been hearing from many people lately is that i am too hard on myself.  Okay, i see that that's true, but i wonder, who among us ISN'T hard on themselves?  I mean, aren't most people?  Are you?  It's a behavior with some usefulness, in moderation.  I mean, shouldn't we examine our behavior with a critical eye from time to time?  Maybe i just need to learn that moderation part.

Em was just visiting here for the weekend.  It was so relaxing not to have to feel like i was between her and her dad, because he was jealous of Em and me being close.  We had a great time and did some things and spent some time doing nothing together too. 

Here's a picture for you to look at.  Isn't he cute?  It's a sea lion.

Bitter Pill

I went for a wee hike with a "start-up" friend yesterday.  It was a lovely day.  When we started out, i was anxious.  For no specific reason, my anxiety has a life of its own.  But gradually the day and the hiking and the outdoors calmed me.


This woman, i'll call her Cari, is two years into being separated from her husband, because of his alcoholism, and she is going through the divorce process, with all the attendant difficulty of dividing up the money and the stuff.

Another friend told me to be careful who i spend time with.  Cari is very bitter, and will talk frequently about how awful her husband is.  I listen, not responding in kind, and then she will wear herself out and move on to other topics.

I was chatting with Em later in the evening, telling her about Cari and her bitterness.  I told Em that i don't want to be bitter.  She said that it would be okay if i was a LITTLE bitter.   So what i hope, is that i will be a little bitter for a while, and then stop.  Bitter isn't pretty, but neither are lying, cheating and divorce.

***************************************************
A memory that came to me unbidden a few days ago.

When i was 13, i had a much anticipated trip coming up where i would be spending the whole summer with another family far away in California.  A family where people laughed and listened to one another.  We would be going on a long car trip and backpacking and visiting with people.

As a countdown to leaving, i got a jar and gathered pebbles so that each morning i would throw one pebble away, and the last pebble would be thrown away on the day i left home. A ritual.

Wallowing

I am wallowing tonight.  All that's missing is the pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a chocolate bar and a box of tissues and i would be a rom-com cliche.

Remember when i used to be funny?


The amount of sadness feels like it will never all come out of me, there's just too much of it. 

Shit you guys, i don't want to do this anymore.  I want it to be done, and forgotten.

On the good side, it's a normal sadness, not the debilitating depression kind of sadness.  What is not sad about 30 years of a relationship ending with a "settlement" deal?  



Yeah, i don't know either.


I hired a lawyer today.  And that statement makes me want to rip my eyes out and howl at the moon.


Will the lols never end?

Dark Hole

Hey there.


I fell into a dark hole when i got home from my trip.  It was really scary.  I had trouble getting out of bed each day and doing most anything was out of the question.  Did a lot of crying and panicking, and had no energy.


Can you say "depression" kids?


Yeah, that was me.  I moved over to my brother's house for two weeks and they fed me and made sure i got up every day.  Not a pretty picture.

But thanks to the meds finally kicking in, I came home three nights ago, and while i am still up and down, i am functioning and am able to move through my day.


Trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  I hope i can enjoy the journey as well as the end result.  But lots of shit to wade through first.  Meeting with lawyers and trying to pick one.  Dealing with the Soon-Ex who is much to busy and important to pick a lawyer and divorce his wife.

Trying not to become bitter, but you can't tell from that last sentence.  I guess a better goal might be to try and not REMAIN bitter.

My friends and Em remain the awesomest.  (Shut up blogger, is TOO a word.)

A bit of nature

An albatross on his/her egg.

 Blue-footed Booby.

 Pretty Crab.

 Handsome fellow.

 Iguanas snuggling.

 The pelting spray of the sea.

See the sea lion patiently waiting for the man to finish fileting the fish?

It's not pretty

I have chosen now to completely fall apart. I guess i was holding it together for my trip, and now that it's over i'm just a fucking mess.

I feel just terrible about this because Em is actually staying with me right now, and i want to be super woman.


But i'm not.


I was supposed to drive Em down into Oregon by myself this Saturday, to drop her off for her summer internship, and then drive 6 hours back by myself on Monday.


I didn't realize that this was not a good idea in my condition (sleep deprived, not eating enough, panic attacks, etc.) until today, when i was sobbing about whether or not i could make it to my therapist.


So, in a panic, urged on by my therapist, i called my brother and sobbed (again) and asked for his help.  

He agreed to come with me.  Best brother ever.


It good to have people who love me.