Wednesday, April 27, 2011

More, just more.

I would like to tell you that i am better.  I would like that very much.  I would like to boldly walk away and say, "HA!  Good riddance to you."  But my heart does not work that way.

In reality, i am worse.  More crying, more panic.  I think that the shock has worn off, and that the pain and anger has me more firmly in its grip.

I am too impatient with myself.  If he had died, i would not be saying to myself, "Get over it already!"  And in this case, he killed himself, to me, and then shot me in the heart on his way out.

The pain of that betrayal burns like acid in my heart.

Keeping busy can only help for so long, and then i have to go hide in my car, or somewhere else, and then sob for a long time.

How do people live through this?  Everyone keeps reassuring me that it will get better.  I know they are right, but i don't believe it.  I don't feel it.

And there's no one here to comfort me, and there's nothing they could say if they were here.

He came over last night to get the last of his stuff out of the condo.  I was all prepared to be calm and pleasant, and then, i smelled him.  He smells like her, sandalwood.  It hit me so viscerally that i just choked up and could not even look at him.  I was pathetic, and i am ashamed.  I want to be tough. 

My therapist say that i am strong, but not tough.  How i wish i were.


Anonymous said...

You're welcome to come on up for a visit if that would help.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Strong and tough are very different things. I have often wished to be tougher, too. You are not only strong, you're a total class act - most women would have cussed him out and perhaps thrown things, or destroyed his stuff. You really are amazing, and we should all be more like you. You love him because you are a loving person, not because he deserves it, while he is clearly an idiot.

Cat said...

I can't even imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry. I've read divorce really is very much like a death, in that couples build up memories together, and rely on each other for different pieces of memories. Separating is literally removing a piece of your memory.

I wish I could make time fast-forward for you.

Just so you know, I think about you all the time. Many times a day.

nick said...

I'm sure it will get better, but with so much pain and distress it'll take a long time. And there'll still be the miserable memories, though they'll be more and more blurred around the edges.

Lynnea said...

Whine all you need, cry all you want. We're still here. I liked what heartsinanfransico said: you love him because you are a loving person. Grieving takes a long time, don't be hard on yourself. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

De said...

strong will get you through this intact, I think. tough is what warps and mutates us, not necessarily into better people.

I get that your emotions are overwhelming you right now, but maybe by fighting them instead of embracing them, you're making it harder for yourself? If you are a passionate person, can you find a way to make that intensity work for you?

Hey, you've got actual professionals giving advice, so never mind me. I just wish I could do more than say I'm sorry, this sucks incredibly, and if it were me, I'd be throwing things. (Which was another thought I had - can you go beat the snot out of somebody on the squash court?)

Hang in there, Meno. You've been breathing in the pain, now breathe it out and let someone else carry it for a while.

jaded said...

If I were in your situation, I would find it difficult to share the burden, but as a friend I offer to take whatever you will give me.

I think females are raised to be stonger more than tough because we rely upon them being compassionate and empathetic.

Marshamlow said...

Perhaps you could go for a hike. You always love that. Perhaps you could scream to the mountains and feel free to cry at will.

Sending love. You didn't deserve this. I hope that the next chapter of your life is the best yet. Perhaps it isn't the future you planned but that doesn't mean it has to be awful. It could be even better. Imagine all the possibilities.

Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) said...

Everything you are saying sounds perfectly normal. Oh sure, it will better. Eventually. In the meantime, grieve to your heart's content. Whatever it takes so that when it does, indeed, get better, you can truly move on and leave it all behind to pursue better, brighter things.

Yes, grieve now. Be angry now. Let it out, Meno. Don't keep anything in that might linger later and keep you from being happy down the road.

Gina said...

You are absolutely NOT pathetic. You are a good, kind person whose heart has been broken. The only one who is pathetic in all of this is him. And maybe her.

Bob said...

Ditto Gina - nothing about you and what you are going through is pathetic, or weak, or thin-skinned, or whatever. Don't denigrate yourself. The depth of your pain demonstrates the depth of love of which you are capable.

Don't think that choking up, or crying, or those momentary panics are weaknesses. They are a natural reaction to the situation. You mention being shot through the heart - and that is probably apropos of what you are going through. You *have* been injured. It takes time for that injury to heal. But heal it will, because you *are* strong.

Hang in there. You will survive. Better yet, you will come out of this the stronger for having been through it.

Take care.

fiwa said...

Strong but not tough. I like that. I am with De, I do not think you'd want to be tough. I think this is a death - the death of your marriage, and you are grieving. Be patient with yourself while you work through the stages. And any time you need a kind word, you just let us know. We are all there for you.

Sending you hugs -

luckyzmom said...

I don't think you're grieving the loss of the deceiving, cowardly, self-centerd jerk who betrayed you and I'm sorry he is not the husband you wanted and needed him to be. You will move on in your own time because you are a strong person.

I can think back almost 39 years and still feel the betrayal and humiliation when I was going throught the same thing. It still hurts that it so unfairly happened to me, even though I have long since moved on (over 35 years).

Sending thoughts for comfort and strength your way.

Sabra Smith said...

Interesting -- my first therapist (an idiot) made a big deal of how strong I was -- she kept giving me examples: childbirth w/o drugs, going to see "Saving Private Ryan" alone, coping with an infant as my world fell apart.... Maybe she was trying to convince me of strength as I felt like the world was imploding and I was exploding.

I wanted to punch her and point out that at the moment strength wasn't doing me any good as I felt like I was in a million little pieces that could never be put back together again. Humpty Dumpty syndrome....

Will continue to think of you. Your story is making my scars ache a bit. I'm sending peaceful vibes your way, though I know they won't do much good for now. Store them in a jar for later. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Smells are powerful things. They go straight to the hindbrain. That was totally unfair of him to hit you with a smell like that. Strong or tough or both or neither, of course you cried.


flutter said...

I want to punch him in the scrotes.

lu said...

Oh dear sweet Meno,

You know my story, you were there for me and your support was/is such an important part of my recovery.

Remember it's a process, one that takes as long as it takes. Like you said, nothing makes go away except that over time we take comfort in the biology of emotion...all emotion eventually wanes and numbs. It was helpful to me to listen to Pema Chodron's audio books over and over again.

Travel when you can,
go to the gym as often as you can,
Be aware of rumination and while it feels so cathartic, it churns up the emotions and keeps them on the surface.

Meeting men is good for the ego. You are beautiful and smart and while you are not ready for finding a new relationship it is lifting to flirt and be flirted with.

Love and Peace