Thursday, April 14, 2011

Not The End, but moving towards it

Saw the Soon-Ex last night in what will be the last time for a while i think.  We finished up the taxes and sent them off, discussed a few details and then i sat at the computer IMing with Em while he took stuff out of the house.

I can tell he feels badly about all this.  As he should.  But it's not my job, nor my inclination to make him feel better.

This is all just so ugly.  Ugly, ugly, ugly.  This is not the way to end a relationship.

Today i feel hollow and shaky.  Which honestly, is how i feel most days.

There's still lots of his stuff here.  I think in a while i will gather it all up and put it in one place.  Books, clothing, personal items.  All the detritus of a life.  Looks pretty pathetic in a pile on a hand cart.

Looking forward..... tomorrow i get on a plane and meet Em in Chicago for a weekend.  I hope i don't burst out crying when i see her.  But if i do, so be it.  Sorry Em. 


Marshamlow said...

I hope you have a fun trip. Cry when you need to cry. Maybe the Soon-EX can get the rest of his stuff while you are gone. If not maybe you can gather it all together and put it in a storage unit and mail him the key. Or not. Do you have any fun summer plans?

Lynnea said...

you're a trooper Lady. Doing great.
You're idea to pack his stuff into one place is excellent. I would even suggest covering it with a tarp or large blanket. Having it out of immediate site helps the psyche. and the packing part is rather healing (I had a better word in mind and cannot for the life of me remember it but when I do, I'm coming back here because it is so much more succinct).

De said...

I think it's really OK that your daughter is a big support for you - she's not a little kid any more and you've had a strong relationship all along. The "new now" is still a work in progress, right?

I hope your change of scenery provides a respite and some laughs along with any tears.

Bob said...

It's all a process. Step by step. Thinking of it this way gives you a chance, as each step is completed, to measure your progress as you go through this painful time. I too think it is probably a good idea to gather all his stuff in one pile, all the better that he can come get it in one go and complete this step.

(Then change the locks, or at least the deadbolt, if you haven't already. Establish a firm boundary.)

Have fun in Chicago. Cry if you feel like it - Em will understand. It is better overall to get it out instead of repressing it.

fiwa said...

Em knows her mother is human. Of course you are going to cry - who wouldn't? I hope you have a good time with her in Chicago though. Sending my love -

lu said...

It is messy business.
A few lessons learned-take it or leave it:

He owns his guilt.
Use his guilt to get what you and Em need. The sooner the better because he will falter and reverse blame when the shiny wears off the new.

Set anything and everything financial &legal up through a payment center and a Lawyer, not directly from him. He is not going to be true to his word. Obviously.

Give him a deadline to move everything of his out of the house. Moving all of it into one area is a good idea. That way he won't take things that should be left with you. Have a friend stay while he is there to monitor, you go have a big ass glass of wine with another friend.

Don't let him leave anything in the house.

Much as you loved and trusted him, you have reason to be distrustful now.

Have a great time in Chicago. Count on tears, bring tissue.

Love and peace,

meno said...

jelli, thanks. I do have massages scheduled for us! :)

marsha, i do have some fun summer plans, i am going to the galapagos and Peru the last half of May!

lynnea, cathartic? was that the word? <3

de, yeah, she seems okay with it But i still want to be her mama, and not the other way around. But this too shall pass. <3

bob, you give good solid advice. Thanks.

fiwa, well, she sure knows now. :)

lu, all advice is appreciated and listened to. maybe not all followed, but considered. thanks. <3

Lynnea said...

Yes! I came back to say it but you read my mind.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm so glad you're going to see Em. Her presence is just what you need now. And if you should ever feel inclined to make him feel better about himself, remember that he also betrayed your child, who will very likely never see him in the same way again. Every step you take brings you closer to healing, and your upcoming travels will be a wonderful diversion. Enjoy this weekend with your delightful daughter!

Anonymous said...

I was going to tell you my own sad story but I think it's better you just pack up his stuff, set it aside and enjoy your visit with your daughter. Crying seems appropriate right now, she'll understand.

Sending hugs.

jaded said...

I'm afraid if I piled his stuff in one location, I would fantasize about setting it on fire...but my fantasies tend to be juvenile.

Enjoy Chicago and Em.

Princess in Galoshes said...

I'm glad you're going to Chicago to see Em. It sounds like something you need.

For what it's worth...I hope my mother would feel she could cry on my shoulder if she needed to. It's nice to feel needed when there isn't a whole lot else you can do to ease someone's pain. No doubt Em will need your shoulder too.

mischief said...

Thank you for "detritus" which I add to my collection of sparkly underused words. Wishing you a peaceful trip and healing time spent with your daughter.

nick said...

It's hard to end a relationship without some ugliness. There's bound to be bitterness and resentment and anger along with the remaining more positive feelings. All you can hope is that you eventually get through the ugliness to a kind of residual friendship.

I wonder how Em is dealing with all this. You said you didn't think it was as shattering for her as for you, but I suspect she may be just as torn up.