Out-laws

Because Clematis kind of sounds like clitoris.

In the past few months three of my blomies have had to close their blogs because of snooping in-laws.

I understand that this is the interwebs, and that it's all out there in the public domain, but what is it that makes people snoop like that, pawing through the archives like Michael Jackson over a small child, even going so far as visiting the blogs of frequent commenters (such as myself)??

I mean, what are they trying to do? Gather intelligence? And to what purpose? Evidence of what?

Evidence of a conspiracy? Evidence of swearing? Evidence of a leather fetish? Evidence of inter-species sex? Evidence that the blogger-in-law doesn't like you? I bet the snooper already knew that. It shows a level of prurient interest that feels creepy.

On the other hand, i wonder if i stumbled across the blog of a family member, would i read it? Probably. Obsessively combing through it looking for something about me (because i am the center of the universe, don't deny it.) No, in reality, i'd probably look it over, and then drop it, because really, who cares?

Of course, i shudder at the thought that my parents might stumble across this blog, because it would really hurt their feelings, and that's just not necessary, but realistically, the chance is vanishingly small, since correctly using e-mail is a major difficulty for them.

Has this ever happened to you? Or have you ever been the discoverer? What did you do? What would you do? I'm just bummed at the blog closures/moving. We all know that moving is a hassle.

Oh wait! That's what my kid did to me. Secretly snooping and reading for a long time until i caught her. Maybe she should answer this question.

Just for today, it's a quilting blog

LOOKIT WHAT I MADE!!



It's my first quilt.

Just the binding at the edges to add. Wheeeeeee!

Here's one of the squares, a cat face. We like cats around here.

And one of Em's favorite book series growing up:

And it's less than a year behind schedule. Better than many a government project.

I think i'm cool, can you tell?

There is a simple yet real pleasure in making something with my own two hands. It would have been much easier and faster to buy a quilt, but there would be no feeling of accomplishment. Plus the pleasure of making something for someone i love, and who will appreciate it, hopefully for a long time.

Thanks for letting me brag.

Not a Book Review

Em gave me The Year of Living Bibically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible by A.J. Jacobs for Christmas.

I liked it pretty well, as in, i actually finished it. It's a pretty affectionate look at some of the silly laws in the Bible.

But i am not here to give you a book review.

Here is a quote from the book;


It's why i don't know what to do with Jasper. If i give him some religion, then he might become obsessed and go Guru Gil on me. Then again, if i give him no religion, he could descend into moral anarchy. They're both so risky. I feel like i can't win.


Jasper is the author's 2 year-old son. Guru Gil is a religious fanatic.

So, the the obvious end result of no religion is moral anarchy. Nice dude, really nice. I can't wait to tell my child that she's a moral anarchist.

The really annoying part of the quote is that it's pretty casually tossed out, like everyone KNOWS that those of us without religion are amoral, serial-killing, dog-raping, baby-hating, 401k-embezzling, wife-swapping, 7/11-robbing, public-spitting scofflaws.

I am really sick of this attitude. If i am an atheist, i must have no morals. It's just a fact. I guess i need to accept it.

Gotta go. I'm off to steal the neighbor's newspaper and kick the cat.

********************************

Under the heading, Jumping on the Bandwagon of Causing Trouble,

Check this out; Amazon Rank

Apparently Amazon has decided to de-rank any books, etc. with gay adult content. Read a more coherent explanation here.

Phoning it in

*Brrring, brrrring*


'Lo?


Hi blog, it's me, meno. Fuck i'm in a bad mood and tired.


And we care about this why?


Because i'm just going to phone this post in.


But...where are you calling from? Any why are you bothering?


I'm not sure where i am. All i know is it's really fucking hot, there are bonfires everywhere, people screaming in agony and no water anywhere. There are even some dudes up to their necks in boiling blood. Oh, and because my public demands it.


Really? Sounds hellish.


I know! And i forgot my chapstick.


GASP! NOT.....the CHAPSTICK!


I.....i'm not sure if i'll make it. My lips are flaking already.


I don't think i've ever seen you without a chapstick, and a cookie.


NO COOKIES! *whimper*


It really must be hell. Well then, call us if you need anything. Ta ta.


but...


*click*

Another reason to love Seattle, and a fantasy

This weekend i went to The Edible Book Festival. I took some pictures for you all too.

It's a cake! With a wrinkle!

"Where The Mild Things Are:"

Jello, Wonder Bread and American Cheese!

"Watchmen."

Not sure why the tiny hamburgers, but loved the ketchup splot.

"The Very Hungry Caterpillar:"

This is Curd Vonnegut:

Pretty damned awesome. The portrait is made with cocoa powder. Some people are SO clever.


"The Velveeta Rabbit":

I don't want to eat it, but major points for the cuteness.

The "Bread Badge of Courage", by Steven Craneberry:



This is a book i have not heard of, "Swimming Against the Current;"




And lookit here, it's "Goodnight Moon Pie."

Keep in mind that the whole thing has to be edible.


And after a while, we did eat them, although i mostly stuck to the cakes.


***************************************

I know this is about escape, and i wonder if the real result would be a feeling of relief or loneliness. Thinking about getting in the car and heading South or East. No reason, just driving. Away. No luggage, just baggage. A roll of $20 bills, a bag of apples and some sharp cheddar. A pocket knife for picnics and a pillow for naps.

No plans, just the misty future.

Nothing bad is going on, but i've thought about this for years. It just seems so free. Probably something that should remain in the fantasy realm.

People are weird

It's not like this is a revelation or anything, but people can be really weird.

Some recent examples from my phone answering stint at the local public radio station during a pledge drive:

1) A man called me and the first thing he did was ask my name. I was trying to be nice, you know, so he would donate money, so i gave him my first name, which he proceeded to use frequently during his ensuing rant about public radio. He refused to believe that i had not been required to donate money for the privilege of answering the phones. He complained that members should be given priority when calling the talk shows to give opinions. And so on. I finally hung up on him after telling him that i was there to take donations, not listen to tirades.

2) A woman who was coming in later that day for her first shift ever called to ask what the dress code was for phone volunteers. Prom dresses or tuxes, natch!

3) A man who was coming in later that day to answer phones called to make sure there would be enough food left for him to eat lunch. We then tried to eat it all before he got there but we failed.

4) One woman called to complain about the show that was currently on the air not being 'inclusive' enough. I gave her the main number.

5) Another volunteer took a call from a man who said he would donate money, but only if someone would come and jump start his car, right now. As if!


I guess repeatedly giving out a phone number over the air invites people to let their freak flag fly.

This must be what being an adult is like

I have a habit that i've been trying to break, a habit that The Mister shares.

In the past, i've tried, half-heartedly, to break this habit. I've blamed my lack of success on the fact that The Mister continues the habit. So it was all his fault, as you can plainly see.

Frustrated, i decided to change my approach, because it appears to be more important to me to change.

What would happen if i was responsible for my own self, and did what i need to do without regard to The Mister? (There's a concept, personal responsibility!)

Maybe i could lead in this. Maybe that would be an inspiration to The Mister. Maybe not, but my fate should be in my hands, right? (Downside: upon whom would i blame my failure with this approach?)

So i decided to change.

It seems to be working. He seems to be following.

Wow.

Period

I maintain that it is a universal truth that if you get any random group of women together for more than an hour or so, they will start talking about their periods, or birth control, or sex, or giving birth, or infertility or all of the above.

This is one of the things that i find charming about being a woman.

I was answering the phones at our local public radio station earlier this week, sitting at at table with 5 other women and one older man named Fred. During one slow time, i had a hot flash, and had to rip off my scarf and outer layer of clothing while fanning myself. They were looking at me oddly, as i was a bit frantic.

"Hot flash," i said in a low voice to the women, so as not to offend Fred.

And we were off....

"Have you tried Evening Primrose Oil?" asked one woman. "It worked for me."

"No, i'm taking Black Cohosh. It's not working all that well, so i'll have to look into that," i said.

"I don't get my period any more," confessed one 20 something woman. "My doctor doesn't know why."

Much concerned advice from the table.

And so on.

By the end of our shift, everyone knew the reproductive history of everyone else. (Except for Fred, who retreated into the crossword puzzle, although he would have been welcome to participate.)

So, tell me, how are your reproductive organs? :)

A message from the sky

Today, a crow flew by my windshield. He was carrying a cheeto in his beak.

What could it mean?

Is it the end of days? Or perhaps someone spilled a snack? Or maybe the crow is looking to clog his arteries? Is orange the new black?

Hard to tell with omens.

Without regard to the message, it was a striking image, from a color point of view. Close your eyes, just for two seconds, and visualize it.

I don't care what you think, and neither should you

A few years ago, whilst in casual conversation with a woman, the subject of electric toothbrushes somehow came up.

It was like someone had totally pressed her button, because she went off about it:

"What? Like you're too TIRED to move your arm up and down? How STUPID! They just cost a lot of money and then the new heads cost even more. Those are for really LAZY people. I'd never get one of those..."

and so on.

(Full disclosure, i have, use and love my electric toothbrush, but i don't give a shit how you clean your teeth, as long as you do.)

I don't know why, but this diatribe really stuck with me. I was just so amused about how vehement she was about something of so little importance. I remember just sort of cocking my head to the side at the time and saying something like "Huh."

Now on to the present. I bought a Kind1e 2 (the electronic book from Amaz*n.) I was sitting at my volunteer thing the other day, minding my own business and reading a book on it, between phone calls.

One of the women who works there came out and saw me. And off she went:

"Oh my god! I can't believe you bought one of those things. I would never buy one, those are going to be the death of books in print! It would give me a headache to read on it. They're too expensive. I can't even see the words, the print is so small...."

and so on.

I asked her if she'd ever seen one before, as i was wondering where all this feeling came from. "No," she admitted.

I gave the standard answer i've developed in response to passionate declarations about nothing of import.

"I can see you feel very strongly about this."

And went back to my reading.

Scorekeeping

I like to talk about my weaknesses and failings here, so there will always be lots to talk about.

I am a secret scorekeeper. I keep score. I keep score of the most petty things. And as i'm thinking about it, i'm trying to figure out why.

Here's an example: We have our house on the market so we are trying to keep it cleaner than our normal pig wallow. One thing we did is buy a squeegee for the shower doors, so we can wipe it off after showering and thus (hopefully) keep the shower door cleaner. Sounds good right?

But after a few days of using it, The Mister has kind of stopped. Normally it's not a big deal, as i usually shower within a short time after he does.

But not always. So i was looking at the un-sqeegeed shower door this noon (i was off playing squash in the morning) and making a mental note of this lack of compliance. Score one for my superiority.

And did you know, that every morning i re-hang his towel because he doesn't hang it up like the towels in a model home? Score two for my superiority.

And the list goes on, with each item being as earth-shattering as the towel situation.

Don't i sound like an ass? This man, who works all day every day so that i can sit on my butt and eat cookies, is being scored over towels and shower doors. Ick. We didn't squeegee the shower door for eight fucking years, so i think it will be okay.

Why? I don't really know. I know that i will try and let it go, but it is surprisingly dear to me.

What a waste of energy, and surprisingly like my mother. Man, that stings.

in which i am totally uncool

I read this quote in Em's college's newspaper. It's been bugging me all weekend. It's from an opinion piece by a senior girl.

"When you limit our opportunities for binge drinking, you limit our opportunities for fun."

God, her parents must be SO proud.

I am not a drinking prude. I like drinking. I drink. I think the alcohol laws in this country are stupid. I give my kid a glass of wine if she wants one. I drank in college. I smoked dope in college. I will never be vice-president as i did inhale.

But this notion that binge drinking is the only way to have fun scares the crap out of me.

I found out a few weeks ago that a young person i know who is attending her first semester of college ended up in the hospital having to have her stomach pumped from drinking.

THAT sounds like a laugh riot doesn't it?

A mom i know came home from a weekend spent at her child's college with a story about one girl who got so drunk she passed out and shit and pissed herself in the dorm hallway.

Ha ha haha! Boy, that's funny, no?

A boy froze to death after passing out outside in winter.

I can't even joke about that being fun.

I just wonder when the object of drinking became to get so drunk that you pass out? Have you ever passed out or blacked out from drinking?

I haven't, so maybe it really is fun.

whatever...

Why do we post pictures of ourselves being silly with a person we love? Is it to prove to other people that someone loves us? See! See! Someone smiles with me!

Or is it to prove it to ourselves? I think the latter.

Too anxiety ridden to write anything much. A situation that is not that big of a deal has us anxious. The Mister and i are not good with any sort of uncertainty. Kind of removes the possibility of relocating to the jungle.

A Stand Off witnessed this morning:

An immature bald eagle landed on our dock. As i looked out the window, i noticed it was hopping around on our dock rather oddly. Then i noticed that there were about thirty coots huddled under the dock, seeking shelter from the bird of prey. The bird would stay in one place for a while, and the coots, being silly birds, would forget that they were the hunted, and would start to ooze out from under the dock. Then the eagle would hop over to where they were oozing, and they would contract back under the dock, practically flying over the water.

I watched this stand off for about 10 minutes, then we had to go. I wonder whether the result was hunger for the eagle, or death for a coot.

Footloss

My right foot hurts, so I went to visit a podiatrist. I made the mistake of wearing a new pair of black cotton socks that day, so when he asked to see my feet, they were covered in black sock fuzz that looked like mildew. Nice.

After i scraped off the black fuzz, he told me that I have what is called a Z -shaped foot, and because of this I have developed arthritis between my metatarsal bones.

The first line of attack is arch support. Way to make me feel decrepit. Now I am wearing the kind of shoes normally reserved for ancient waitresses named Flo who call you 'honey.'

I have small breasts, so they are staying up. I have big feet, so they are sagging. I can't see my butt without making an effort (an effort I have no desire to make) so I can't speak for it, butt I have my suspicions as to which direction it's heading.

By this logic my nose should be safe.


(The above is an example of self-deprecating body humor for which female bloggers are well known. It's not clever, but it is fun.)

family as shield

Last week a woman invited me to have lunch with her.

Sounds good right?

The problem is that i don't really like her. In fact, i find her smug and boring, with heavy emphasis on the boring.

I wasn't quick enough or mean enough to say, "How about never. Is never good for you?" This woman does not have the social skills to pick up on body language or she would know i don't really care for her.

I feel that everything she says is done as a way to impress me. Examples:

-On my geology class field trip the other day...
-I used to manage a lot of people at...
-I was in my studio working on my scuplture...
-My grandson will be graduating from the University of W-- when he's barely 19.
-When my last piece was commisioned...
-I designed the data base for...
-I know alot about the economy because...

She is about 70, and has been divorced for over 10 years, and while i think it's great that she has so many interests, they don't interest me.

At one point i found myself saying something like, "Oh, i just tell my husband when my car needs washing and he does it for me." All that statement needed to make it perfect was a simpering giggle.

And while i might wish it were, it isn't even true! I have to wash my own damned car. I had to laugh at myself when i realized on the way home that what i had done is play the 'stupid female card' in hopes that she would find me impossibly dull and never invite me anywhere again.

I also blamed having my daughter home this weekend as an excuse for not going to the movies with her.

trip report

For those of you following along at home, i am back home after my big adventure in Ohio and Tennessee.

Em and i went to see Coraline (good) and He's Just Not That Into You (I'm sick of movies that portray all women as desperate to get married without regard to the suitability of the man. Gag!) and then she made me watch High School Musical 3 in the hotel room.

Dreadful movie. I read a book while she watched.

We ate good food, drank some champagne and had a good time.

I only got to meet one of her friends, so i didn't get the chance to use my advanced interrogation skills on the future ex-boyfriend. Damn! In fact, the future ex might already be the never ex. You gotta move fast on these things or you'll miss your chance to intimidate.

Monday i flew off to to meet with Ms. Chica. The weather was cold and beautiful. We spent most of the day on Tuesday hiking along the Cumberland Trail. The scenery is so different from here that i was fascinated. Deciduous forests, delicate streams, elaborate rock formations, good company, icicles, turkey sandwiches that i didn't have to make, moss theft. It was all good.



Here i am preparing to ride my broomstick across this bridge.

Intelligent discourse

This is more in the nature of a diary entry than a thoughtful blog post. Fair warning.

I'm all excited as i leave at o'fuck thirty tomorrow morning to wing my way to Ohio to visit my offspring.

"Oh," she says, "Come visit me. I miss you. I want you to meet my friends"

Translation: Come spoil me rotten for a weekend mommy.

Okay, i can't resist THAT! Tell me you could.

There's also a person she likes. Maybe even likes likes. I have prepared a list of questions for this person. I hope s/he doesn't mind.

-so, what does your mother do?
-so, how do you feel about pre-marital sex?
-so, what are your political views?
-so, do you understand that i will kill you if you hurt my daughter?
-so, do you know how to don a condom?
-so, how did you vote in the last election.

(just kidding baby.... mostly.)

And then, and THEN (!) i'm going off for a few days to visit one of my blomies. (Say it out loud, it's obscene.) We hope to go hiking together.

I'll be in touch as i have my precious with me. (laptop)

In which i swear freely

We have just put our house up for sale. Don't we have AWESOME timing?

I fucking hate living in a for sale house. We have to keep it neat, which is totally hard for us because The Mister is a a slob, and i'm lazy. At least my hideously messy daughter is away at college, although she has a roomful of crap that will need to be dealt with.

Some cranky letters to make me feel better:

************
Dear Makers of Aveeno Oatmeal Lotion,

I love your lotion, but i hate that the suction pump straw thing is an inch and a half above the bottom of the container. I feel like it's a plot to get me to buy more of your lotion.

Not going to work as i am stubborn AND cheap, plus i recycle the bottle, after i eke every last bit of lotion out of it.

So there,

-a not to be manipulated consumer

************
Dear Mom who brought her baby to the National Geographic Lecture last week,

Judging from the auditory evidence, your baby didn't appreciate the lecture. And thanks to your inconsiderateness in bringing a baby to such an event, neither did the other 200 people who could hear him crying.

But hey, as long as YOU got to attend, fuck the rest of us.

Just so you know, i don't blame the baby. I blame you.

-One of 20 or so people who gave you the stink eye.

************

Dear Ace Hardware,

I bought a wedge style doorstop from you today. On the back of the package was this;

INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Insert by wedging under bottom of door.

Thanks for that, i had no idea.

-Low IQ Consumer

For the love of yeast byproduct

This is a post that one of you sent me and asked me to post anonymously. I didn't publish it right away because i can't decide quite how i feel about it. It makes me sad, and it also pisses me off and makes me want to tell the writer, "For god's sake, grow a pair!" I hope seeing in in print will help, but i'm doubtful. Courage.


Things given up for alcohol:

Sex. Too drunk. We have chosen alcohol over each other.

Reading. I can't focus on the words, they swim before my eyes. I used to love to read.

Sleep. I fall asleep hard, and then wake up after a few hours wanting water and aspirin. Am awake for hours until I fall into an uneasy sleep just before it is time to get up and make breakfast.

Time with my children. I view them as a hinderance to what I really want to be doing.

Patience. I am crabby and annoyed by everything. I'm a mean drunk.

My word. Every morning I promise that last night was it, I am quitting. That night I buy more wine.

A neat scotch story

Two of my favorite people in the world are married to each other. (It's nice when that happens, because it's not always the case.)

I'll call them Mike and Susan. We've known Mike for 27 years, and he had the good sense to meet and fall in love with Susan about 5 years after we met Mike.

They each told me this story separately, which i found charming. It meant they were both pleased with the outcome.

Mike likes scotch, neat, preferably single malt. He has settled on a favorite one over the years, i forget the name of it. We'll say it's Bowmore.

Susan, in conversation with him about his favorite scotch, asked him why he had settled on just one, when there are so many different kinds of scotch in the world for him to try. Didn't he want to try some new ones?

He replied that there are many women in the world too, and he had settled on just one without trying them all.

That night, when Mike came home from work, there was a brand new bottle of Bowmore waiting for him.

Do cats mourn?

Is it better to live a free, but dangerous life? Or to be unhappy, yet safe?

Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

The Mister found part of Grey Cat in our yard this morning. Coyotes i suppose, although i have only seen one here in 10 years.

We got Grey Cat and Brown Cat (they are brothers) from a cat rescue place. They were almost two years old, and had been indoor/outdoor cats with their previous owners.

So i let them continue to be indoor/outdoor cats, believing that they would be miserable if confined. The few times i have had to keep one or the other inside, they have been vocal about their displeasure and then become destructive.

I try to keep them in at night, but being cats, sometimes they are not to be found.

Brown Cat woke me up this morning at 4 am. He hasn't done that in a long time. He must have heard something. He has been uneasy and skitterish all day, asking to go out, asking to come in, asking to visit the basement, wanting out on the balcony to peer over the yard. He never asked to be fed tonight either, when usually he comes and sits his whole 15 pound self on my chest at 4:30, trying to look skinny.

So i am sad. I just don't know what i would have done differently.

Feel free to comfort or chastise me. Both are appropriate.

At face value

Here' s one place where we trip each other up. We read more into what is said than is there. Or actually, we try to guess what each other really meant, beyond the spoken words, and in that, lies madness.

A trivial example:

"Did the cats get fed?" does not mean, "I want you to feed the cats." If i wanted you to feed the cats, i would say, "Will you please feed the cats?"

I have watched my parents perform this dance for years. Because when my mother says, "Did the cats get fed?" what she means is, "Why haven't you fed the cats?!?!"

(Or my all time personal favorite, "You're not wearing those socks are you?" Translation; "Go change out of those hideous socks you hapless boob, they make me look bad because i am with someone who would wear those socks. Do i have to do everything for you? God! Where would you be without me to run your life?")

It's a delicate art, this translation we do inside our heads. The excuse for it is that we are trying to be helpful by anticipating the needs of others. The result of it is that signals get crossed and the cats may get fed twice. Which suits them just fine, but leads to fat cats and running out of cat food.

Of course more serious problems than obese cats can happen because of this inner 'what is he/she really saying' translation gene.

The point is, to retrain myself to answer the question. For example, "I do not know if the cats have been fed," rather than, "Would you like me to feed them?" or, "I'll do it in a minute, Geez!"

Less confusion all around.

Sucker

A Seattle joke:

Q: What do you call the first sunny day in Seattle following two days of rain?

A: Monday.

Heh. So today, for the first time in a while, is sunny. Happy Monday.


What does this day find me doing?

I am carrying around a small black mouse in a hand towel. (The towel is because the bathroom habits of mice are abominable.)

Why am i carrying around a stinky mouse that i don't want and that i inherited when Em went off to college?

Because i caused her little mousy friend to be killed, and i refuse to buy her another mousy friend.

So i'm worried she might be lonely.

GAH!

Landfill

Something pretty to look at, because the subject is ugly.

The Mister and i braved the wilds of our basement this past weekend and threw away a ton of stuff.

No, I mean we literally threw away a TON of stuff. Okay, i exaggerate a tiny bit, we threw away 1,890 lbs of stuff. Plus 8 boxes of books were sold (we made almost $60!) a huge pile of mixed paper was recycled, the Goodwill received 12 boxes of yet more stuff, and even the three dead rats we found were put into the yard waste.

We received some upsetting news on Friday night and by Saturday night we were feeling rather pleased with ourselves and better able to deal with the news. Such, at least for me, is the power of organizing.

At the same time, i feel ashamed for all that junk that now resides in a landfill.

Before i buy anything ever again, i vow to ask myself, "Do i really want/need this. Remember that almost everything i buy i will end up throwing away, someday."

When i walk into a Walmart (which admittedly is not often) or a similar 'big box retailer,' my first thought is "landfill."

Although after our performance this weekend, i have no right to point fingers.

A Cheap Shot

Okay, no one else has gone there, that i've read, and it's such low hanging fruit for making fun of that i can no longer resist.

Did you all hear about PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) campaign to get fish re-positioned as "Sea Kittens" to get us all to stop eating them?

I am not making this up.

Who knew that fish were just cuddly little love pets with bad PR?

Okay, seriously, i respect vegetarians, and i understand why they don't eat meat. And that's cool. But this is just a really stupid idea. Can you imagine the meeting where they thought this up?

Gloomy Earnest Person in Charge: "We need a do-over on the anti-fin food lobby."

Earnest Person #1: "Oh, hey, let's try calling fish 'Ocean babies,' no one wants to eat babies!!"

Earnest Person #2: "Yeah, that's a great idea!"

Earnest Person #3: "I know i know! let's call them 'Ocean dogs.' That'll work!

Earnest Person #1: " How about 'Scaly Puppies.'"

Earnest Person #2: "That's good, really good"

Earnest Person #4: "Fluffy Sea Bunnies!"

Earnest Person #2: "No, no, "Sea Fairies."

Earnest Person #5: "Ocean Pandas!"

Earnest Person #3: "Sea Kittens!"

...stunned silence....

Gloomy Earnest Person in charge: "That's brilliant Earnest Person #4! Just fuckin' brilliant! Sea Kittens. It's so simple, so elegant. I'm convinced. Let the campaign begin."

Tonight The Mister and i are going out for raw Sea Kitten on rice with just a hint of wasabi.

Assvice

What is it about me people that makes me them so love to give advice but so stubborn about taking it?

Although, having thought about it a bit further, i only hate taking advice from some people, who just happen to be the people who love to give advice.

I found myself in a situation where i was rejecting, without thinking first, everything she was telling me.

Why?

That's a complicated question.

Because i'm stubborn and i want to be the one with the answers? A little bit.
Because she always gives advice, even when i'm not asking for it and i resent that, i have managed to take care of myself for several decades thank-you-very-much? Yes, that's part of it too.
Because she sounds pompous and bossy and reminds me of my not-best-me? Ouch! Yes.
Am i prepared for the smugness that will ensue if i do take her advice? Or should i continue to reject everything without consideration? Maybe. And no.

So what did i do?

I sat back and decided that she might actually have something to say that i could use. So i asked for it. Advice.

And then i listened.

I might even follow it too.

And i might not.

Letters

Dear United Airlines,

You are zero for two on transporting Em's bags for Christmas trip. You must be so proud.

She liked the toothbrush though,

-Em's Mom

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Dear Rain,

You can stop now. The dock is under a foot of water and i've got moss growing between my.....oh never mind.

kthxbai,

-meno moss

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Dear husband,

Do you really need to keep your textbooks from 30 years ago? I think they might be obsolete, plus you haven't unpacked them in 15 years.

I'm renting a truck to go to the dump this weekend. Be there.

-Your lively and attractive wife

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Dear cats,

For fuck's sake! How many times do i have to kick you off the bed each night before you understand you are not wanted??

You act like you have a brain the size of a walnut. Sheesh!

-She who wields the can opener

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Dear Offspring,

Ummm, you left all the wrapping for your new toys at the bottom of the stairs. When i saw it, i thought and thought about you.

I guess this helps me miss you a little less, so thanks.

Be good, and really, don't worry about your mouse, i've asked Grey Cat to take care of her in your absence.

-mommy

Social Conditioning

I've struggled for years with how to reply when Em says "I'm sorry" when she is neither responsible nor sorry.

It's a sort of cringing behavior that infuriates me. What is it about someone cringing that makes me want to hit them?

These are the responses i have tried;
- I'm sorry too.
-You should be.
-stop apologizing, it's not your fault.
-thank you for your concern.
-etc....

The trouble with these is that they all came out sounding either sarcastic, annoyed, or both. (Probably because i was annoyed.)

It is Em herself who gave me the answer.

She told us about a study she learned about that says women apologize far more often than men. Apparently it's some cultural conditioning thing. Nothing gets to Em more than having to consider herself a result of cultural conditioning.

So my new response to an inappropriate "I'm sorry," is "Don't be such a female!"

We'll see if it works.

This post was inspired by a discussion between Maggie and Egan.

A rude shock

As mentioned previously on The Fascinating Life of Meno, friend Kim, The Mister and i went to see a live taping of Says You on New Year's Eve.

The pertinent facts for those of you who have lives, is that this is a public radio quiz type show involving word play.

It was great, lots of silliness and fun with vocabulary. I enjoyed it a lot, as i did the dinner immediately preceding the show. (There was champagne, so yeah, good stuff.)

But the audience was a bunch of pudgy middle-aged white people with stringy grey hair, wearing micro fleece, gortex, natural fibers and Birkenstocks, and sporting unfortunate jewelery choices. In other words, the quintessential public radio audience.

Yes, he has another one just like it, on the other side. We checked.

The worst part? WE FIT RIGHT IN.

I hadn't seen a whole herd of us together like that before. It's a sad sight. I kept thinking, "For god's sake at least get a decent haircut!"

I came home and made an appointment to have my hair highlighted. I look fabulous by the way.

I've known you a long time

The trouble with family is memory.

This is the brother who belittled me, 40 years ago.
This is the brother who bullied me, 30 years ago.
This is the sister-in-law who accused me, 25 years ago.
This is the me, who made a snide remark and hurt someone, 15 years ago.
This is the sister who made a threat, 10 years ago.
This is the niece who went through a morose period, 5 years ago.
This is the nephew, who harassed my child, 3 years ago.

It's easier to note changes in the kids, their bodies remind me that they are growing and changing. But my brothers and sisters are changing too. I know this, because i am too. More slowly than the kids, but changing nonetheless.

We remain wary, our long memories of past transgressions, large and small, fogging the lens through which we experience one another, in a way that never happens on the blanker slate that is a newer acquaintance. Just the echo of that past can send me back to that time, looking at the bully or the belittler, even though they no longer exist. Just a whisper of that cutting tongue can have them seeing that hurtful bitch who is no longer really me.

So carefully we must act, in order to avoid these echoes and whispers.

There needs to be an expiration date on certain memories, a way to delete them permanently.

The trouble with family is memory.

Marginally Amusing Poop

It's funny how when i am away from you, my friends, i spend time trying to remember things i MUST tell you.

So i must wander in the weeds a bit, in the telling.

Christmas Day made me hopeful that my extended family (brothers, sisters-in-law and their offspring) can actually have fun together. Because we did have fun. The nieces and nephews had a great time locating their Christmas money inside Kleenex boxes. (I think next year i will steal the idea of gluing the money inside walnut shells.) Then we all went off to see the movie BOLT, which was the perfect Christmas movie for us.

The snow finally ended, and there is very little of it still around. But there are Bott's Dots everywhere. I have harvested a few.

My parents were the first people (my mother kept repeating this fact to anyone who would listen) to move into their new retirement home, right before all the snow hit. This is a huge relief for all of us. We went there on Christmas Eve for dinner and inspection. The place is gorgeous. Their apartment is spacious and on the 9th floor and has a great view out over the city. Plus, did i remember to tell you that they were the first people to move in?

Our New Year's Eve will be spent in a manner befitting geeks. We are going to see a taping of the radio show Says You, and should be home tucked in our beds by 10:30, at the latest.

Em got a stuffed elephant which she has named Rudyard.

I'm thinking of moving. The fact that my daughter reads this makes me feel stifled. So far, it's just a thought. But it's hard to be as dismal as i sometimes want to be, and i never wanted a cute little blog where i always post marginally amusing poop.

Cocoon

I know you in the actual Midwest and Northeast and Canada and etc. will laugh at us here in Seattle, but we are not used to this.

SNOW! It's so beautiful here. I just can't believe it.

Em made it home from Ohio on Saturday, between storms and only about 40 minutes later than scheduled. I was anxious that she might get stuck somewhere as she flew through Chicago's O'hare airport, but all went smoothly.

Well, except that her luggage didn't show up until 11:30 last night, but on the plus side, she looks cute in The Mister's jeans.

The Mister's fancy-ass SUV FAILED to make it up the driveway on Thursday morning. (Not gloating, not!) This thing is so fancy it has many special settings for driving in different conditions:

1) Loose gravel less than 20mm

2) Loose gravel greater than 20mm

3) Gravel that stays home at night

4) Plague of locusts (crunch, crunch)

5) Snowing lightly

6) Snowing heavily

7) Snowing somewhere else

What it does lack is a setting for getting it up the driveway.

So we spent 2 hours clearing the driveway (we have a long driveway) and got his car up and it has been parked on the street ever since.

It's been kind of fun. We venture out once a day to hunt and gather (at Top Foods) and then head back home to watch trashy movies and eat popcorn.

Today i went to the hardware store, hoping to maybe buy a snow shovel. Of course i am the 5,436th person with that idea, but they did tell me that they were expecting a small shipment in about an hour.

After lunch i called the store back to see if they were in yet and was told to hurry back as they were in and going fast. I had to shove a few old men and a woman with a baby out of the way, but i am now the proud owner of a $15 red plastic snow shovel. Wheeeeee!!

More snow expected tomorrow. Thank god i have my shovel.

A Christmas Tradition Continues

A few years ago, i started playing a little game with my nieces and nephews at Christmas. They are all old enough so that everything they want costs lots of money, so i just give them money, and they can do with it what they will.

The first year, i bought them all white underwear and hid the money inside the undies. They were pretty disgusted with me, until they figured it out. We all had a good laugh.

Last year, i hid the money inside white socks. But they were on to me and found the money right away.

This year i thought i'd just hand them money, because i was too lazy to come up with another idea. But then i thought - Kleenex! I slit open the side of a practice box, and the game was on! This morning i bought 5 boxes of different sized kleenex, slit open the sides, inserted money and some Christmas bells in each box, and glued them shut again.

Bwah hah aha hahha hah!

Evil aunt meno is evil! I can't wait.

Extra photos of random stuff:

Back lit Pampas Grass:

The high temperature here today was below 0 C (32 F) so everything is covered with a layer of frost that sparkles like diamonds in the sun:
Yesterday at the grocery store i saw this display at an idle check stand. I am assuming that it was for training new cashiers, but it amused me. The manager came over to ask me why i was taking a picture of it. I told him "Because it amuses me." He left, but watched me warily after that:

Brown cat helping with my crocheting:

fluff and nonsense

Things that made me smile today:

~walking in to the place i volunteer and having someone who was leaving call out to me, "have a good weekend, meno." It's this little stuff about working that i miss.

~We are wrapping presents for the Adopt-a-Family program, and someone brought in cupcakes from that fancy new cupcake store in the mall. They cost $2.50 each. I ate a red velvet cupcake. MMMmmmmmm. It was worth the money.

~Someone telling me to put ice cubes down my bra, because i was fanning myself during a hot flash.

~The Mister is back home.

Something that made me laugh out out today:

~someone got to my blog by googling "How long do you have to wait to kiss after having meno."

Not long, not long at all!

Traveler's Blues

I was all set to announce my appointment as Illinois' new senator, to fill the position that Obama just vacated, but some legal and technical things came up so i had to withdraw my name. Saved me a BUNCH of money though.

Anyway,

The Mister is traveling again. A few weeks ago, he went away for two weeks, really really far away. This time he's just gone for 5 days.

I've always had a tough time when he's been away. I don't sleep well. I'm anxious. (Those of you who get anxious know that anxiety is a lot less pleasant than it sounds, and it doesn't sound pleasant.)

The anxiety is because i didn't trust him to not do something stupid, and a little because i was concerned about his safety. That is shitty of me to say, but it's the truth.

Back when we had a young child, it was harder to be the one at home. (The Mister found this out when i did a little traveling for work one year.) But now it's harder to be the one away. I'm home, in my own bed, surrounded by kitties and he's off staying in weird hotel rooms with other people's ass juice on the bedspread, eating crappy food and dealing with airlines.

With his being gone this much, and with the modern communication devices we have (did you know that you can text message someone in China?) it's really no big deal anymore, and i'm getting used to being here alone. In fact, i kind of like it. And in truth, it's almost annoying how many times a day he texts, IMs or calls me.

But i'll be glad when he's home. I just feel good that it doesn't bother me anymore. I feel stronger and more independent.

I told him this. I think it made him sad, a little.

Gossip hound

I love gossip.

Okay, i'm exaggerating for maximum shock value.

I like gossip.

It's not cool to admit that, but damned if i don't think most people do like it.

The reason this comes up is that i went to lunch with someone today who told me that she does not gossip, and then spent the whole time talking about other people, which, i think, is what gossip is.

The failure to examine our own behavior is the definition of denial. I hate denial.

Ask a stupid question

I really want to do a rant about the book/movie Twilight, because i have fairly strong feeling about it being not just harmless entertainment, but pornography for young girls.

But i won't, because it would be useless, and really, in the long run, what does it matter? Who am i to swim against the overwhelming stream of salmon who love love LOVE it? Plus i know i will catch hell.

Ahem.

Do people ever ask you questions that leave you standing there with your mouth open, waiting for something to come out of it, but nothing does?

Today someone asked me if i think i'm "complicated?"

What the hell does that mean?

Complicated compared to other people? And how would i know having only been myself? It's like asking someone if it feels different to be them than it does to be you.

"Oh, yes. I'm VERY complicated."

Seems kind of an arrogant thing to say.

I finally answered that i think we are all simple AND complicated. How's that for not answering a rhetorical question meant to be a real question?

Simple as in we all just want a beautiful immortal person to come along who will love only us forever and ever and will save us and take care of us and make us live forever and ever too. A fictional person that will give us an unrealistic idea of what love is really like, that it takes work, and that no one is perfect, thus dooming all future relationships to disappointment.

Ooops, slipped back into the Twilight rant. Sorry. I know i'm taking it too seriously, but i just can't get over the icky feeling that it's worse than just incredibly badly written crap.

***pant pant****

Where was i?

Oh, complicated.

And complicated because everyone has baggage and buttons and experiences and....all those things that give us the deep psychological scars that make us so interesting in later life and keep therapists in toys and cookies.

I should have just replied "Huh?"

Media sadness

I have told you about this before, that i am a wimp as far as visual entertainment. I think it's getting worse.

We tried to watch the series "Mad Men" recently. I made it about half way through the first season. The Mister still wants to watch, but i don't. It's just so sad. The people are all miserable and fucked up, and so despicable towards one other. After every episode i felt depressed.

The Mister can watch if he likes, i will just leave the room. Which means he probably won't watch it.

Imez wrote something about the movie "Trainspotting" in a post. I admitted that i left partway through that movie too, feeling battered and sad.

Imez answered "I never thought of you as the type of girl to wander away from things that seemed depressing."

Oh, yes i am.

It's hard for me to understand why people want to watch/read things about sad, unhappy people who are unlikely to change. It's difficult to watch things that make me feel sad. I have a hard enough time trying not to be sad without any help from media.

We also started watching "Arrested Development" while Em was home for Thanksgiving. I did some laughing, but i also wanted to slap the people and tell them to stop being so self-indulgent and get a spine. Plus the undercurrent of financial desperation makes me sad.

Sigh.

Can you explain it to me?