Thursday, July 20, 2006

In a mood today

Before i retired, now about a year and a half ago, i worried about what i would do with myself. I liked working, and i liked being around people. As an intovert, i tend to isolate myself. I worried that i would go through a time of depression before i got this new life sorted out.

I think i am a bit strange, not like most other women, and it's difficult to find people to realte to. It seems that the experience of feeling separate isn't uncommon, but where are you all?

I swear too much. I am an athiest, so religion is out as a community. I don't care very much about fashion and my nails and that kind of thing. I don't like to shop very much, nothing ever fits me anyway, since i am so tall. I am easily bored. I like and need to spend time alone, but not all of the time. I am keenly aware of the absurdity of many things in life, and i like to point them out. This is not always appreciated. I am annoyingly punctual, and i think other people should be as considerate of me.

When i lived in Colorado for a while, i hung out with a group of women with whom i really didn't have much in common. They all liked to talk about interior design and children. When i became pregnant, they all insisted that i had to pick a theme for the baby's room and decorate it. I tried to act interested, because i was lonely, but i really didn't care, and i didn't think the baby would either.

I went to princess house crystal parties and other you-can-be-my-friend, now-let-me-sell-you-something events. Ugh. I squealed about the clothes at baby showers. But i was pretending. Do you ever find yourself looking around to see how other people are acting to see what you should be doing?

So, upon retiring, i never did get depressed. I found some things to do, some volunteering that gives me the office environment that i like for a few hours a week. I play squash and go to biking classes and have lunch with friends. (I've become a lady who lunches!) During the school year I spend time driving Em back and forth to school. I felt really pretty good about my life. I have no need to accomplish anything spectacular. I am happy having a happy child and keeping busy.

But lately, i am finding myself feeling lonely and bored. My husband is working long hours and even when he is home he is on the computer, working. I guess i want someone to talk too, that i don't have to pay $150.00 an hour to listen. (Not that i haven't been there, done that.)

Guess it's time to do something to fix this huh?


Karen Jacobs said...

I understand moods... I'm a professional mood producer. It does help to have something in the background that's all yours and yours alone to retreat to, though that doesn't always do the trick. BTW, can you beat my 6 feet in height? And I've got a grand daughter that can look me in eye. We may take over the world yet! KJ

Tracy Helgeson said...

I think you are me! I have never felt as if I fit in anywhere, ever. I want to be alone and I also want a social life, but when I have friends I usually manage to mess things up. Whenever I have a simple conversation, with anyone, I spend hours second guessing everything I said. I have a few controversial opinions about things and I feel like a jerk when I say them and like a jerk when I hold my tongue.

I think you and I would either hate each other or really like each other in real life! :-)

meno said...

KJ, I see your 6 feet and raise you an inch! I love that there are taller girls coming along these days.

Tracy, I have often wondered if i met myself whether or not we would get along. I might just think i'm a jerk, or maybe i'd like me.

Anonymous said...

Reading your post was like reading a description of myself. I am true introvert, yet I amsurrounded with children. Decorating, nail polish, wearing "in" clothes...never. Not that I don't care. It is more that I don't get it. I hate to be late and my idea of a good time is curling up with a good book.

As far as the religion thing goes, I am also pretty much an atheist. I believe in the historical teachings, not the divine. I found a wonderful church community for myself and the kids. And it is all about the community, not the dogma. If you care to, check out your local Unitarian Universalist church. You might be surprised. It's a "thinking persons" church.

Damn, It sounds as though I am prostilizing...

amusing said...

yes, yes, yes!

Oh, and to be able to retire.
I am so horrified at the prospect of having to find a job next summer at my age. With kids in school. And dealing with sick days and snow days. In this town that I hate. Where I'm stuck b/c of the ex.