Tuesday, August 08, 2006

My true colors come out, i am selfish

Tomorrow night husband and i are heading off to spend a few days at the ocean. There will be sex. Em is going to be going down to Ashland, Oregon with a friend and friend's family to catch some of the Shakespeare Festival. I will be taking my new laptop with me. It's so cool! I log on by dragging my fingertip across a scanner. I keep thinking of all those science fiction movies i've seen where someone gets killed and then their finger is cut off to enable acess to the nuclear secrets of the world. Nothing that exciting on my laptop. Just the secrets of inner space.

I read a comment on someone's blog last week wherein a woman stated that people who don't have children are selfish. I disagree. I think that having a child is one of the most selfish things i have ever done.

Warning, whiney ass cynical shit ahead:

"Life is awful and people are horrid." from the book Sybil by Flora Rheta Schreiber
"Be kind to the young, they did not ask to be born." from Pavillion of Women by Pearl S. Buck (a book you should read if you haven't.)

It's hard to be alive. It's depressing. Look around at the place. War, ethnic cleansing, homophobia, racism, rape as a weapon, global warming, right wing christians, sexism, George Bush, jealousy, mental illness, marketing, child pornography and etc, etc., etc. And this is how i feel about life and i am so damned lucky compared to 95% of the world.

So what i'm trying to say, is, it's no picnic. I wasn't sure i would ever have children because i questioned the fairness of bringing one into this world. I did it because of the joy and pleasure and sense of wonder and to be able to care for and love and nurture a small person. I tell Em this, because i want her to know how SHE improves MY life. I did it for me.

Selfish bitch!


Antonia Cornwell said...

Both. Until I got pregnant, I didn't have kids for selfish reasons. Then I got pregnant for selfish reasons. Me me me me me.

I love "There will be sex", as though you have a written itinerary. In this house we pretty much have to pre-agree a day of the week on which to Do It. So spontaneous.

Hope you have a wonderful trip.

Tracy Helgeson said...

I have never understood it when people say that not having children is selfish. It doesn't make any sense.

I agree with you. I was very selfish when I decided to have kids AND to adopt my nephew. I did it because I wanted to take care of him and to make up for the bad things i had done when I was younger. It was all about me!

Unknown said...

We should never make generalized statements about people who do or don't have children. I didn't want children, I had them accidentally and they changed my life. I probably would have never had any if they weren't accidents but that never made me selfish or unselfish. It just made me lucky.

Thanks for visiting my blog

meno said...

antonia, i thought that having a small child would interfere with our sex life, but it's nothing compared to a teenager. She stays up later than we do and is likely to come charging over at any minute because she desparately needs something or other. Think i need a lock on my door.

Tracy, i would love to hear about how you came to adopt your nephew. But i completely understand if it's not a story for public consumption. I think the world of you for doing it.

chantel, thank you for stopping by too. I can't remember who i linked from to get to you, but i've been reading for about a week. I love it when people feel lucky to have their kids.

Lynnea said...

Selfish bitch...awesome mom! I love you said this: "I want her to know how SHE improves MY life." For as much as I bitch and moan about feeling tired and stuck sometimes, thats exactly what children do. I am a better person because of my children.

Tracy Helgeson said...

I'll write about it someday. It involves my family so I have to tread carefully. Thanks for thinking highly of me, but I think we did what anyone would do in a similar situation.

Lucia said...

I didn't have kids and don't really consider it selfish at all. Neither my husband nor I wanted to go in that direction. To me, when I look around, especially in places like the grocery store, I think there are way too many people who don't actually make a decision whether to have kids or not, they just do it because they're supposed to...which may turn out and may not.

Yep, the world is a hell of a mess. I spend time looking at that 95% close up, and although there can be a lot of joy there, there's a lot of hardship too.

meno said...


YES! I wish my mother had given some thought to the having of children. She might have realized that she doesn't really like kids, thus saving us all from lots of therapy.

Antonia Cornwell said...

Not having children in a selfish way, for me, meant not having them quite yet. Although I wanted them, I wanted a few more years of "me" time first. I wanted to travel at the drop of a hat, read books in peace, be a better musician, smoke cigarettes and spend my money on nice stereo equipment before bringing someone else into the world to devote my time to. But I have to concur that getting pregnant is almost certainly the most selfish thing I've ever done.

And although I cite travel as a reason to stay childless, there are a couple of countries on my list that I'm saving for when I have kids: I'd rather share the experience with them than just go on my own or with Ian.

Good food for thought!

Bored Housewife said...

It's an interesting part of the changing tapestry of our world, our society. It seems that most people didn't make a conscious decision about whether or not to have children until more recently, and that is definitely a good thing.

Having children does make me a better person, while it is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I think it is the inability to clearly express that feeling which makes some people call childless ones "selfish". Or...the fact that they don't agree that it makes them a better person (yikes). Maybe they only see the hard work it takes, and if you stop your analysis at that point, then the "selfish" tag comes easily.

Bobealia... said...

Don't forget how many children currently need to be adopted... and that we are already an over-populated planet. I'm with you...
Doesn't mean I'm not selfish enough to want my own.
I hate the word selfish. It implies that we all aren't the center of our own universe.